Should You Stay or Should You Leave?
People often contact me and ask me whether I think they should leave their relationship.
For a start, it isn’t up to me, it’s up to them.
Of course in an ideal world, no one would ever leave their partner. It causes so much pain, upheaval and stress, and almost always affects the lives of many people, not just the couple concerned. In an ideal world, no one would need to leave because no one would want to leave.
Sadly, that’s not the case. It happens that for a variety of reasons, people just can’t live together happily any more. I don’t believe people make these decisions lightly. Typically, someone who decides to leave a relationship has thought about it for a long time before actually getting up the courage to do so.
For those people the pain of staying has become bigger than the pain of leaving. That thought process doesn’t happen overnight – it builds up and gets stronger over a period of time, usually years. Finally people feel so empty and so dead inside, they just have to get out.
If that resonates with you, and you are considering your options at the moment, what I want to tell you is this:
Don’t think that leaving will take away your pain and disappointment – it won’t.
You will take it with you. Most likely, if statistics are anything to go by, you’ll take all your ‘stuff’ into your next relationship.
Whatever is happening for you right now, recognize that what happens from here on in will depend on whether or not you take responsibility for your own happiness.
Seldom does any one do that. Mostly people think that it’s their partner’s responsibility to make them happy. That’s not the case. I recently shared a story about an elderly lady moving to a nursing home entitled Happiness Starts in Your Head—I firmly believe in that concept.
Well here’s the truth. No one can make you happy or unhappy without your permission. No one can create something for you that starts in your head.
Your happiness or unhappiness is your own doing. You create your own state of mind, and what you think about your reality creates your realty. It does not exist without your permission. It always starts with you. If you are unhappy in your relationship, look inward, not outward.
That may be hard to hear. You may think that you can be happy, just not with them.
Know this. Unresolved issues you have in this relationship you will most certainly take to the next one. Whatever you don't deal with now you will have to deal with eventually or end up unhappy again.
Start with you, not with them. Design the life you want – and accentuate the positives you have in your relationship right now. Don’t tell me there aren’t any, because once upon a time there were, and they’re still there, buried under more recent feelings.
Create your own life first. Take full responsibility for the life you have now. Take your own inventory. Make a decision that no matter what, you’ll get your own life on track.
If having done that you still want to leave, then so be it. At least you’ll have done your own work, and you’ll have learnt a lot about yourself. You’ll carry a lot less pain and resentment too. Believe me, it’s worth the effort.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
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