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Living in the Shadows

   Most of my life I lived in the shadows.  I waited for life to happen instead of planning and acting.  I allowed other in my to be the director of my life's stage while I was a puppet on a string.  I just allowed myself to exist instead of live.  I stood back while others were living their lives and asking when I could live mine.

   It wasn't until my car accident in 2000 and my near death experience that I had realized I needed to live for me and not for anyone else.  I mean that is what I was brought up and taught to believe that I was to live in the shadows of others and not in my shadow. 

   To build my own identity I had to get to know myself.  At first, this thought was a frightening concept as I was told from family, friends at the time, and associates that I would not amount to anything and I was this evil person who did nothing right.  I was afraid of who I would find living in the shadows. 

   To this day, I am still getting to know myself.  The journey has not been easy as I have unearthed so many characters traits, personality traits, etc. that I didn't know existed.  Now, though, I live in my own shadow instead of someone's idealism of who I should be, how I should act, etc.  I love being in my own shadow as I am the director of my own play.  I decide who, what, when, how, etc. to conduct myself.  It is I who decides....

Published Wednesday, April 16, 2008 9:18 AM by Amysinsights11

Comments

# re: Living in the Shadows

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 9:07 AM by RavensDestiny
Dear Amy:

I am glad you stepped out of the shadows.  It took me many years to reach that point.  We are the only ones who are responsible for our actions and no one can walk your path.  Thanks for sharing with us.

Raven

# re: Living in the Shadows

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 11:59 PM by SpiritAngel58
Sounds familar...I wasn't told I was evil. I was repeatedly told I was STUPID and would never amount to anything, etc. All by my mother
and my father who didn't live with us, never knew about the abuse. And well, because of that brainwashing I went onto believe that I was stupid and too this day still do. Even though I am not. I was born with a hearing loss
and that is what made it difficult to learn and catch on at first. She used everything against me to make me feel bad about myself.
When I was 18, my high school counselor let me read my records and then I had to get my mother's permission to destroy them even though I was of legal age to do myself. Well, when she read the documents she started calling me names,etc. My counselor regretted letting her see them.
Have I let my hearing hold me back? You bet.
It's not that easy to answer a phone at work and hear everything person is saying because every phone is different. Some work places I don't have a problem with it, others are awful
when it comes to their phones. So, I try avoiding answering the work phone. But this  job, it looks like I have to and I am not a happy camper about it. Besides, I want to get out of medical records and into something more rewarding,etc.

People are floored when I tell them of my hearing loss and my fears of talking on the phone. And they say, but you don't seem to have a problem! But, the reality of it,is that I do. Because of the way I was treated growing up and even now, I have a hard time telling the general public and prospective employers that I have a hearing loss.

Guess I am still over coming that and wonder if I ever will?
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