Being Co-Dependent To Love

When Co-Dependency Strikes

The day no parent is prepared for took place about one year ago; my oldest daughter started dating.  At first, the person she was with seemed to be someone I wished could remain there, but slowly over time, things began to deteriorate.  I started watching my daughter shedding more tears than smiles, but I knew breaking up would have to be her decision.  (I had taught my daughters to be strong, so I really felt it was just a matter of time.)

Then one night, while a friend was visiting, my daughter was sitting in the laundry room having a talk with her boyfriend.  The next thing I could hear was an agonizing, "But I love you..."  This comment was followed by many repeats of the word please, pretty please, don't break up with me, etc.  It broke my heart, but at the same time, it also infuriorated me.

You see, over the course of a year, my daughter's boyfriend would have a tendency to just throw the term 'break up' whenever she didn't do what he wanted.  I had never realized until that revelation that this boy had such a stronghold on her mind, and could see very quickly how manipulation had become such a very strong tool of use.

I went to the laundry room and watched her as she begged and pleaded, and she was so into her pleading technique she didn't even see me.  Then she looked up, and was shocked, and she knew I was going to say something she really didn't want her boyfriend to hear.  I asked, "What is going on?"  A simple statement, and immediately she starting fumbling for the mute button, but I continued.  "Chanel, you WILL quit this grovelling with your boyfriend right now", I began.  She was still fumbling for the mute button, when I said, "If he's not sure he wants to be with you, then I'm sure there is someone else who does."  The mute button was finally administered.

She looked at me with tears and said, "But you don't understand..."  

"Yes, I do understand.  I understand you think you know what love is already, but haven't the first clue.  What you are doing is acting co-dependent Chanel.  You are begging him to stay with you, because you don't want to see what else is out there, and at the same time, allowing him to control your every move because he knows you will do this.  Once he accepts you 'back' in the relationship, you'll no longer butt heads with him on the topic you just felt so strongly about.  That's manipulation my dear, and for you to allow this means you are already acting co-dependent.  I'm disappointed, as I have never taught you to be this way.  I thought you were strong enough to start learning about relationships, but I guess I was wrong."

She looked at me with tears still in her eyes, holding the phone that was now muted, and replied, "I don't even know what co-dependent is."

I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "Being co-dependent means you'll put up with anything someone else does just so you don't have to be alone."

She knew I had always lectured, since the day she came home from the hospital after she was born, that she would not be one of these people.  She just didn't understand through the pain of what she was going through she had become what I warned about.  She instantly sat up straight, and unmuted the phone, and said, "All right, you can have your time to think about not being with me.  I still feel the same way that I did before."  Then she hung up.

Of course this story goes on a lot longer than this one moment in time, but I just want parents to be aware of how easilly the co-dependent form of thinking can begin, and at how early of an age.  It's scary as we want what's best for our children, so please make sure you keep good tabs on any relationships forming in your young child's life.  

Do you have any stories on co-dependency that others could learn from?  If you do, please reply to this blog and help others understand the causes and affects of this sort of behavior.  Just like anyone else, my daughter is a beautiful girl, with beautiful morals, good grades and is class secretary of her tenth grade class.  This behavior happens with all types of people, not just people with low self esteem.  When someone thinks they are in true love mode, anything can be exchanged.

Go Back To the Instegating Woman: Click Here.