Calgon, Please, I Beg You, Take Me Away!
I'm always thinking back to the day and age it was not acceptable to tell your parent whatever you feel like saying when you are angry.
I remember the days that while many weren't whipped any more, they still ran a strict ship, and because of this, children had more respect.
I personally, don't want to involve a probation officer every time my daughter defies me, but in the state of Michigan, you are not supposed to spank your children, but house rules are supported by the law. So instead of handling it on your own, you can just pick up the phone and press charges.
Unfortunately, I don't think this would work all that well with my family, and what I am going through right now is a very hard situation to deal with, but I do feel I came up with the only plausible solution to the whole situation.
There comes a time when sometimes, as parents, we have to be able to let go and say, "Enough is enough!" Sometimes this can mean letting them experience something you've been protecting them from for their entire lives.
Is it easy to deal with the emotions involved when push comes to shove? Absolutely NOT! You will go through a series of emotions which I will go into more depth in a minute.
You know, when me and my husband first got together, his sister had a little conversation with me. She said, "Remember your children will grow up, and move out, but your husband is there forever."
I didn't really understand how that was going to apply to me, because I never thought anything like this would happen to me in a million years. I know what that means now, and it's exactly what I told my daughters.
I'm sorry they didn't like they got in trouble for not doing what they are told, lying and being absolute derelicts with their pointy tongues. They told me they hated him, and wanted me to leave him because he told them he is going to start sticking to his word with being grounded after nine years!
I don't care if my children think what I said was nice or not, but what I told them was, "You know, that's pretty selfish considering you would want me to give up the love of my life, who really hasn't wronged you, for two children who will be growing up and moving out on their own all over the next one to two years.
I've had to pay the bills, put food on the table and take care of their necessities. Their father has had the luxury of sending them gifts of preponderate proportions Gifts I could never actually purchase for my children because when you do for one, you have to do for them all, and in a balanced way.
You can love your children with all of your heart, and you can buy them everything under the sun, but remember when you're showering them with expensive gifts they will expect it later, and as you'll come to find out they won't appreciate the value of a dollar either. I can attest to that. My children think money just grows on trees.
Lets see if I can think of anything else on this topic. Um, okay, here's one, don't feel guilty for making them do chores, or helping with the wood for the winter heat, because these children are a part of a household. You know, I was thinking how screwy it really was when people made a big sink on the internet about how President Obama gives his children $1.00 a week for doing their chores.
You know what? You shouldn't have to pay your children anything, but if you do want them to learn the value of a dollar, and structure them for real life, why is it all so bad to show them it takes a long time to save for something you really want in this economy, day and age? Why is it wrong to show them they would have to save up for a long time to get that one item they really wanted, and maybe by the time one could afford the toy, or game, they would change their mind on yet another product being advertised on the market?
Nothing is wrong with that, and do you know why I feel this way? Because I have bought my children lots of things they definitely don't remember ever owning because they wanted it in the worst way. If they had to save up and buy their own, one of two things would have happened. A) Either they would still have that special need fulfilled by knowing where it's at, or B) They would be focusing on something new so at least it wasn't wasted money on something they would lose interest in fast anyway.
Now my children don't understand why I am so happy with everything now that it's a said, done deal. Well, I guess I'm already thinking of the peace I'm finally going to get to have that didn't exist before. Maybe now I can sit back and enjoy myself without worrying every two minutes why someone isn't listening to what I just got done saying.
And finally, last, but not least on my lecture about teenagers, is the fact when their world feels like it's caving in because they did something, but don't want to accept it, the only thing you are ever going to hear is them playing a hard core dig-it-to-the-bone blame game, and guess what, you were just selected to be it! lol (You will be the blame, but hey, if you haven't broken the normal rules just yet as a parent, them maybe you can avoid this. I hope I have reached at least someone.)
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My daughters have put me through the ringer so-to-speak, and I'm just finally snapping out of the doldrum blues my mind was forced to endure. Everything was fine around my house when we were letting things slide, saying, "I'll give you one more chance." Boy, was that ever a mistake. If there's one thing I learned, is maybe, and I mean maybe, you should give a one-time chance, but never should you give it twice! Because once we decided saying the same thing 37 times in a month and a half was starting to get over-rated, and we put our foot down, the teens went on a rampage, and their father, who has only served the purpose of a Knight In Shining Armor for about six months, waltzed into my life, talked to my children without me, and the next thing you know, they want to head off 1300 miles away from home to live with their dad for their last couple of years.
Teenagers Are Very Materialistic
 In the end, I pulled myself together, and I discovered some important lessons about life, children and family, and I'm going to share these thoughts with you. Honestly, it's not going to be easy to deal with this type of situation if you are going through it. The love of a child is very strong, particularly when you have given birth to these children who think they know everything now in life, but also because when you're the main one, even including being married to the father, who has taken care of them, it's a lot like a kick in the teeth.
Not to mention, it's not easy to handle when your child looks at the man who has taken care of them like they were his for the last nine years and calls him a , D*CK. I can't help but put my heart out to my husband too. When push comes to shove, you have to look at who's right, how it can affect your family life in the future and sometimes throwing in the towel and giving in to their supposed wants is the only way you know things can heal.
Because if they do this once, they are sure to do it again. Just one of the perks of having an ex-husband I guess!
| I Was Emotionally Distraught & Went Through A Mulititude Of Feelings
First, I was in denial they would even end up moving. Then I felt rejected and became angry they didn't find any value in my abilities as a parent.
It was insane, and I tried very hard to contain myself, but there were moments I would slip, and I would go from feeling content with them wanting to leave me, to wanting to even hurt their feelings for being so happy. I finally gave in to them.
I really was at a loss for what I was up against, and so confused. Their father didn't bother to ask me what was going on, or why any children were angry. He just said, "Okay, you don't like it there? I'll be there in 9 days to pick you up." He even asked every child in the house that was his if they wanted to move in with him, and it turns out the two oldest are now leaving, and my thirteen year old says she's very happy to stay here with me and my husband.
I cried so hard, I looked like a pumpkin, and then I finally reached out and called the Friend Of The Court. I was informed that unless I agreed to the father taking the children, he could not legally just up and take them. I was very worried this was going to rip my entire family apart.
So with a content smile, I relayed the information to the girls, and told them it is also not right to discuss adult topics with their father, and that communication needed to be done between me and him. I thought this would put an end to things once and for all.
I was wrong, it only fueled the anger worst between my children and the adults in the house. I was now the blame for why they weren't going to be going, and the hurtful things which were said were tearing my heart up. That night, I stayed up until four am figuring out if I should just finally give in, and let them experience how his grass isn't any greener, and their isn't ten feet tulips to tip-toe through either. I guess they will all be in for a very huge surprise. Their father is just like the teenagers; no concept.
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Then I came up with my next plan. I decided since I knew I had to agree to my children going, I would make my stipulations impossible to accept. This way I could have the excuse I tried to let them go to their dad's, but it didn't work out. However, that didn't work either, even though I demanded the holidays I knew the father wanted AND said he has to provide all transportation for all visits, which I will not miss one! He said, "Yeah, okay, I will." I was like, what the heck? You are one huge IDIOT. (See, I'm not advising you to use name-calling tactics, but honestly, this was what I felt when he agreed to my bogus demands!)
So now that my demands are met, I am feeling forced to show up to the mediation I had set up to call my children's bluff. ;) They were happier than two-puckered billy goats, and I was just disgusted that absolutely none of my intentions were coming through for me. I went to the meeting and got everything I wanted, but you know what? All of a sudden it was like I instantly seen the light, and I realized, hey, this is not such a bad idea for them to do this. I have never spoken of the bad side of their father in their whole life. Now, I'm not speaking about him beating them or anything, but I am talking about his attitude and actions.
Throughout their whole childhood, they only shared limited visits with this man, and so he was afraid to ground anyone or upset them, or he was afraid they wouldn't like him any more. Yes, it's sad, but true, their father would rather be a best friend than someone who wants to take responsibility for sending them in the right direction. Anyone who can just joke about their 15 year old smoking cigarettes, and not at least make a stink to her is in for a rude awakening when she starts running his household.
Things are going to start crumbling because of the lack of concern, or not caring if things are thought completely through. There was absolutely no planning what-so-ever, other than a date to get them. I have told him I will not give him my birth certificates, and I will not give up the social security cards, and what he can do is run around like I've had to do for sixteen years without any credit. I told him the high cost of me seeing my children is the high cost of him taking them 1300 miles away to hide from their consequences rather than to deal with them.
When evreything was all said and done, and the judge signed our agreement he can't bail on, we finally hung up the telephone, and I said to the probation officer/friend of the court dude named Bill, "You know what Bill? I'm actually thinking maybe there is a plus side to this. Now maybe it's my turn to just be the good guy. Maybe I get the chance to only be liked and have them tell him they miss me and want to come back." (Only I'm not allowing this plan.) I added for him with a smile, "And hey, this could be good timing, as their are dances, prom dresses, makeup, cars, insurance, materialistic wants they think are needs, and graduation pictures, parties, and lots and lots of money!" With that, I gave this wonderful person helping me a wink. He stood up while rubbing his hands together, and said, "AND, he gets fullblown TEENAGERS!" lol
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Please read the story located below to see what my most trying learning lesson was the last couple of months.
A schedule will be updated within two days for the entire month which will be followed exact.
SUMMARY If you let your children get away with hanging the ex over your head when they are angry, they will continue to do it again in the future. Nip it in the butt immediately.
If you punish your child because they decided to do something wrong, then stick to the punishment and don't be lenient. All this truly does is show them they don't have to worry about what they did wrong, and they'll disobey you again.
Don't sit back nicely for six years when you're getting $20 per week per child for support payments. Don't allow yourself to believe if you are always kind to the other parent they are going to always be kind in return.
Blood is thicker than water, and while you may think someone in your ex's family is cool, if it's a blood relative I can assure you to keep your distance. When push comes to shove, my ex's sister, who I basically raised throughout all of her teenage years, and has always talked to me like I was still family, joined in on this little game of who's gonna win, and only made the situation a whole lot worst.
It's okay to listen to what your children have to say, but my god, don't take everything they say for the honest truth. Teenagers particularly, have a tendency to be very dramatic individuals. They make mountains out of molehills and hold grudges forever.
If you are going through this situation, take some time to relax and drift off somewhere that you can be alone. At least somewhere that the children can't badger you with your decision, or even worst yet, try to take control of your house like mine did.
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