It's crazy the way the mind thinks when we love someone that we know is going to die.  You know, first we hope for miracles, and when those don't happen, we stand by the person we love, and just hope they hang on for one more day.  Only sometimes that request is being selfish.

'Franko' is my husbands brother, and last night around 4:30 am, he finally took his last breath.  I say finally, because like the many other times, I just prayed they would hang on, but last night I prayed God would take him.  He had cancer that spread throughout his body, and he lived well beyond what doctors thought he would, and his greater fears were now becoming a part of the equation.

He didn't want to choke was his main fear in all of this, and everyone there that were able to be, helped him, at home, not to do just that.  It was so hard for them.  He could no longer swallow.  He was in severe pain, and now, to ask for him to stay longer, was actually becoming more selfish than it was to care for him to not hurt any more, and the only way to do this was to pass on.

I woke up at 4 am for no reason at all this morning, and before I went to bed, I tried to pray to god, but I just couldn't feel my heart was with it when asking God to take him.  Instead, I did my meditation ritual to provide him with peace inside, so he could feel it was okay to go.  I also tried to mentally connect with him, as we are so far away, and I truly wish I could have been there to help, just as I was for my husband's mom.

I had a long conversation with my husband's sister last night, which my husband was floored it was not him, but like I told him, "When your mother died, me and your sister spent countless hours just talking together, helping one another through the pain of it.  We tried to understand the medical professions, we discussed Jack Kavorkian, and numerous other things.  This was just one of them conversations that she needed a woman, and one she had shared these kinds of talks with before.  We may have our moments when our stubborn sides kick in, outside of these situations, but maybe you don't know this either; I'm the one who promised to be there for your sister.  It's important for us to understand what we want."

I give his sister so much credit.  When his mother died, we both stayed at the hospital for nearly a month straight.  Morning, noon and night, and we refused to leave.  I had to make some exceptions though, as her kids were grown up, and mine were not.  She was there for her brother, even from 1500 miles away, and was there for a whole month once again, and it was getting hard on her.  I could hear how drained she was, how sad, and how confused she really felt in her voice, and I was just so happy she reached out to me to be able to talk about it.

Well, anyway, I know most people aren't even reading this, and I guess, today, this was more of a journal entry for me, then it was a teaching lesson.  If there is a teaching lesson, it would be to try not to wish someone to stay if it's for selfish reasons.  I never found something harder than I did last night in praying for God to take someone, but I also know what Frank wanted too, as he voiced it many times when we were at his mother's side.  And I guess, I have to figure out how to deal with the guilt of not being able to travel, to not only be by his side during this, but also because he has a funeral coming up now, and we don't even know how we'll get there.  So I think the guilt isn't over with just yet.  (He lives 1400 miles from our direction, but dang, if my husband's sister did it, I wish we could.  Of course, her family is grown up and it's just her husband at home, and we have a family of seven.  I guess when I figure out an explanation to how I feel, I'll share it.)

Many Blessings,
Teresa