I remember the infamous scene in Sex in the City where Carrie proclaims “he broke up with me on a post it”. I recall the angst in her eyes, the gasps from the girls and the sympathy her arresting officer gave her out of sheer embarrassment of his fellow male species. While this is a hilarious for a sitcom it brings up a real question…is there ever a proper way to end a relationship?
So, you have rationally searched your soul (hopefully) and decided that this person, this relationship is not a fit, is not fixable and that you must move on. To linger would be cruel to both of you and nobody wants to later find out someone did not want to be with them but was afraid to say goodbye. Your next step, take a deep breath and follow a plan that allows both of you to exit with dignity, grace and hopefully some closure.
As you make your plan on when and where to say goodbye be conscience of the fact that at one time there was something you thought was great about this person and if that does not work for you ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were the one being said goodbye to.
Break up in person! I cannot stress this enough as long as the person does not represent a physical danger to you have the courtesy to say goodbye face to face in a place that you will both have each other’s full uninterrupted attention. IM, e-mail, facebook or any other modern technology is unacceptable and will cause undue duress.
Use integrity, be honest as to why you are leaving but remember do not be cruel and recite every last thing this person did to get on your nerves. Listing the person’s faults as you view them will only add insult to injury and more than likely lead to a shouting match.
Do not use phrases such as, this is not a good time for me, I just need a break, it’s not you it’s me. Words like these will create false hope for the other person and keep them in limbo waiting for your return.
If you do not truly feel or want to be friends with this person then do not lead them to believe you will be. On the flip side if you are someone who cannot stand the thought of anyone disliking you and must remain friends with all your ex’s remember the person you just let go may not be able to return the sentiments and you need to respect their choice.
Now that you have told this person the relationship is over please take into consideration that while you have known you are leaving this is fresh information to the person sitting opposite you. They may be rubbing their ears trying to figure out if they heard you right. Give the person some time to digest the information and ask their questions with-in reason. Again remember you do not want this to turn into a shouting match.
Hopefully if you remain gracious and sincere all will go as well as things can in this type of situation, both parties will have some closure and maybe both find out some information about yourselves that will help you in your next relationship.
Weeks have passed since the break up and inevitably your mind drifts to your ex because you’re feeling lonely and bored or worse you have been drinking. Either way you have convinced yourself that you should call. Stop…count to one hundred and think why you are really calling and that the reasons or issues that caused you to leave still exist. Most of all please remember the heartache you caused by your earlier declaration. Unless you can say “I was wrong”, “I want you back heart and soul” then you must leave that person alone to heal and move forward with their life.
Saying goodbye is never easy but I hope that if you are ever faced with the task the above proves to be helpful. One last suggestion give yourself time before jumping into another relationship whether you are the one who is broken up with or the one who did the breaking up. Instead hang out with friends; read some good books or get to that list of to do’s that you have been putting off. Being alone does not mean being lonely and a little you time will help you see clearer the new person you are choosing.