As we continue our journey of building self esteem and confidence we are taking action to build a strong foundation in our own life. In doing this, we will be able to share our life with someone special. We will attract a healthy partner who can love us and support us.
Before entering the dating scene you must know what you want in a partner. Write a list of the traits you want in your partner. Be clear, specific and honest. Your list may look like this:
Emotionally available, honest, communicative, single, straight, financially stable, open, affectionate, spiritual, funny, laid back.
You can also add physical characteristics to the list such as, athletic, light hair, light eyes, and so on.
If you’re already in a relationship and your partner is not as attentive as you would like or seems to have lost interest you can turn it around by exuding self confidence. No matter single or committed you have control in whether you are attractive to others or not.
Attracting others versus repelling them can be likened to a dog. For 10 years I owned a beautiful Siberian Husky named Shasta. Shasta was like all Huskies, she liked to roam free. If you chased her, she would run away. If you ignored her and walked away, she would follow. The easiest way to catch her was to get into the car and begin driving away from her. She quickly pursued the car and would instantly jump in if she thought she was going to be left. If you followed her around, called her name, she would be the one pursued.
When you meet someone of interest, make eye contact, smile and go about your business. Pay no attention to that person as you continue doing what you were doing before you noticed them. If they come near you, say something brief like “hello” and continue again with what you were doing. Don’t follow them, it will make them uncomfortable.
If you meet them online, it’s the same theory. Say you notice someone attractive on a dating site and you want to make contact. Send a brief introduction email saying “hello, you seem interesting”. Then leave it alone, don’t email again. When the person responds, again keep it short, don’t give too much info away.
When you go out on a date for the first time, keep the conversation pointed toward the other person. Ask questions about their interests, background and hobbies. Find out how they spend their free time. Find out how much time they spend focused on work, family, health and friends. You want to see if this person is balanced. You want to ask questions to identify if they are stable and grounded. Do they go out to the local bar frequently? Are their friends regular bar patrons? Are they sports fans? Are they politically motivated? Do they practice a certain religion? All things you can find out on a first date. When they ask you the same questions, answer briefly not giving much information or details. The point is to remain somewhat mysterious. It’s best to give a brief answer and immediately ask them another question. This creates a little tension of curiosity.
As I mentioned in the first part of this series, I categorize men into four categories; Friend, Booty Call, Long Term Guy or Loser – Run away fast.
Here’s how I decide:
Friend – nice guy, very interesting, good communication, common interests, no chemistry or attraction, doesn’t fit into my family or life in an integrated way.
Booty Call – attractive, fun, not much in common, emotionally unavailable, immature, can’t be integrated fully into my life.
Long Term Guy – meets my list of characteristics, traits and needs, is able to commit and be intimate, and most importantly shares the same values, communication style and is healthy. He can easily integrate into my life fully with family, friends, work and spiritual beliefs.
Loser – Run away fast – is a player, can’t commit, can’t communicate, is sarcastic and jaded, needy, dependant, superficial, dishonest, unbalanced, angry and has huge issues from the past that remain unresolved, and/or lives at home still with his parents.
When a date ends, and you’ve decided you’re interested in the person, it’s ok to flirtatious but remain conservative in regards to saying goodbye. Don’t offer a kiss, offer a hug and let them know you had a good time, thank them and say goodbye. Don’t ask if they will call. If they offer to do it again soon, say something like, “that sounds fine” and make your exit.
When you control the end of the date, keeping it reasonable in time but not so long you are lingering, the other person will have desire to contact you fairly quickly. If you say too much, act too willing to give compliments, the energy changes and you send a repelling energy. The same technique should be employed on the phone, email or chat. The more you exude an independent and confident life, the more someone will want to spend time getting to know you. Many people make the mistake of minimizing their lives and want to communicate their availability. This only creates a pressure.
We’ve all known people who have many offers to date, go to parties, and attend events. They are always on the go with plans. It’s more attractive to win over the person who is self sufficient and happy then to settle down with the person who is needy and always willing to give.
I talk to people everyday that have built their lives on pleasing others. They have lost sight of what they want and are consumed with doing for others. In the process, the ones they serve hardly appreciate their tireless efforts. In the end they end up tired, alone and confused. It’s perfectly fine to give, but when it is out of balance with receiving you can only end up resentful and feeling lonely.
In the next article we will continue the keys to creating a lasting attraction and keeping the flames alive in a relationship.
Blessings,
Bernadette
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