Get His Attention
Get Your Partner’s Attention
Many women call me and ask what to do to get the flames fanned in an existing relationship or marriage. Life has become dull and routine. Each partner has their own daily and weekly routine of work, home, TV and bed. For many, after years being with your partner it just seems like they don’t notice you anymore. It seems like the compliments and affirmative words have ceased. Don’t worry, there is a way to shake things up and have your partner notice you again.
Once we are in a committed relationship we typically share every detail of our lives with our partner. We tell them what we are doing, where we are going and the mystery dies. In the beginning of the relationship, the excitement was in figuring the other out. There was a pursuer and the pursued. After commitment we fall into routines, the excitement and the chase disappear.
When your partner gets wrapped up in TV, Computers or hobbies, nagging him for attention won’t do much good. In fact, the more you ask for attention the more likely you are to get less attention. Asking your man to “talk” to you will only create a resistance in him. Asking him to spend “quality time” will make his eyes roll into his head.
The problem isn’t that your man doesn’t want to pay attention to you. The problem lies in a lack of motivation for him to do so. By motivation I don’t mean he doesn’t care. A man becomes motivated to take action when he feels he is not fully informed or in control of a situation. For instance, he barely turns away from his football game on TV when you are leaving because he has little motivation to do so. He knows where you are going and when you will be back. If however you left without saying a word, he might call you and ask where you went. As soon as he has his answer he will be right back to his previous activity of watching TV.
If you want to get his attention in small ways that add up to motivation, here are a few suggestions:
Get dressed up with makeup and hair done to go grocery shopping.
Get done up and go to the mall, coffee shop or book store. Tell him you’re going shopping but return without purchasing anything. When he asks why you didn’t bring anything home considering you were gone for 3 hours, just tell him “I couldn’t find what I was looking for” and then change the subject and ask him what he’s been up to.
When he tells you his plans to go hang out with the boys, smile brightly and say, “That sounds like fun”. Then make sure you’re up before him that morning and fully dressed and done up. When he asks what plans you have, don’t look at him, look busy, focus on something else and simply tell him you have errands to run and walk away. If he asks what time you’re coming home, ask him what time he’ll be home and simply reply “I’ll be home around then too”. Then get home after the time he arrives.
Get the idea? You aren’t asking for him to pay attention to you, but I guarantee with enough mystery building he will begin to pay attention. Don’t ask him ahead of time what his plans are for the weekend. Stop waiting for him to make time for you. Start doing things on your own and with friends, but be sure you are looking your best when you do. When he begins to inquire of your whereabouts and plans, be vague. Wait for him to ask you to spend time with him. I guarantee if you schedule your own time away from him and you don’t let him know what you are doing he will be motivated to pay attention to you.
I dated a guy for a couple of years and it always felt like I was waiting for him to spend time with me. No matter what I said, he always had an excuse. This only resulted in me becoming anxious and tired. I decided to employ the strategy outlined above. I’ll never forget the day it turned around. He was used to going out alone on Friday and I usually sat at home and caught up on work and chores. Well this one Friday I came home from work, immediately got in the shower and dressed in my own “going out” garb. He came home to freshen up before his night out and found his way into the bathroom as I was putting on my jewelry. He expected to find me cleaning. He shockingly asked “Where the hell are you going”? I calmly replied, “out” and quickly kissed him on the cheek departing as fast as I could. As I was walking out the door, I saw his reflection in the mirror. He was dumbfounded and just stood there watching me leave. I stayed out extra late that night and went to breakfast with my friends, arriving at home around 4am. He was full of questions about where I was, who I was with and why I was out so late. My only reply was that I must have lost track of time, at which point I quickly undressed and went to sleep.
After three weekends of repeating the same ritual, he asked if I wanted to go to a nice restaurant on the upcoming Friday. I told him I’d have to change some plans but that I would love to. From that time on, he was more conscious of paying attention to me. Mind you, I never stopped doing little things like that. Our relationship ended within three months when he asked me to marry him and I was unwilling to make that kind of commitment to him.
Men are very territorial. They like to be in control. They don’t like to be told what to do. They want to feel free to do as they please. The only way to get them to pay attention to you as they did when they were dating you is to create mystery. Creating mystery creates desire and room for pursuit. Motivation is created when you don’t have that thing you want. Sometimes it’s simply removing a comfort zone within an existing relationship that will get your man to notice. If he feels he is losing something he considers his territory, (You) he will focus attention and energy on protecting and defending his relationship with you.
Becoming self sustaining and independent requires a different thought process. It’s not hard to change you’re current thought stream. If you want different results, you must employ different actions. Remain feminine and loving. The key to creating mystery is in retaining information. That means you aren’t always available to text him back immediately or pick up his calls immediately. Sometimes making him wait and becoming less predictable is all it takes.
Reinvent yourself and you will be default reinvent your relationship!
Blessings ~
Bernadette Dickinson © 2009 all rights reserved