Reacting to Hurt and Criticism
He said/she said, I hear it all the time when coaching individuals. Based on what someone said or did you instantly react and defend. It happens often that when in a relationship that our partner says or does something that hurts us. Instantly we react defensively or hurt and then we sulk. At times it is something our boss says, in-laws say and even our ex-partner.
On the quest to gain peace, joy and understanding it is imperative that we see where we are getting in our own way. It is not possible for someone to hurt our feelings without consent from oneself. The responsibility does not lie with the other person. When we react defensively, the person attacking you verbally and emotionally is simply mirroring some belief inside you that is causing conflict.
How many times do we react with anger to someone judging us and saying spiteful things to us. If these things are not true, why then does it cause us such pain?
You can only remain at peace when your beliefs are not in conflict. If someone tells you what a terrible person you are, and you know that is not true, you will have no reaction. If however you do react, it is your own self sabotaging beliefs that make you feel hurt and angry.
"But wait Bernadette, my boss and coworkers have criticized me so much that I feel worthless". I say to you, if you have a belief that you are worthless then you will react to it. At this point you have a choice to accept the unfair judgment and defend yourself against it, or you can choose to not accept it and give it no validation or energy. If the unfair criticism continues, perhaps it is time to find a new job and no longer engage in the dialogue. But here is the catch, when and if you quit your job, do so without resentment. Detaching without resentment means that you accept that it is not in your highest good to invest yourself in this environment and you move on. Moving on means that you forgive all misdeeds of others and misjudgments. It does not mean that you formulate a "story" that you tell over and over again, reflecting the injustice done to you. Doing so creates an acceptance that what they did and said was true and fair.
Let's say it is a partner who is verbally attacking you. Listen to what the partner is saying and ask yourself, what is this person mirroring to me. What belief inside me is this person triggering? What is this person afraid of? What am I afraid of? Once you have those answers, you can use the verbal exchange to further your own growth and react with love. This doesn't mean that you agree with them, it simply means that you don't agree and are willing to let them work through their misperceptions and anger.
Have you ever yelled at a dog for tearing up an item that belonged to you? Have you noticed while you are screaming, ranting and raving that the animal looks up at you as if you make absolutely no sense? Or the dog goes running from your highly reactive energy? That is because the dog was being a dog. He was being true to his own nature. It wasn't a personal attack on you, it was simply in his nature to chew. When you go ballistic and react, it doesn't change the dog's nature but it does create fear of you in the dog. If you didn't react at all and simply took responsibility for leaving the item in a place the dog could reach it, and threw an appropriate chew toy to the dog, he would instantly chase the new toy in a joyful manner. By not reacting, you maintain your own sense of peace and maintain the loving connection between you and the dog. Is it any different with children, partners, coworkers and family?
When someone close to you begins spewing judgment onto you, don't react. Instead, ask what you are to learn from this experience. Ask where you have beliefs that are disrupting your internal peace. Ask what you are afraid of. Ask what this person is afraid of. Then react with loving, compassion for yourself and the other person. In accepting responsibility that everything that happens is for your growth and highest good, you will begin to have a life built on a solid foundation. You will not be tossed by every wave of emotion that comes at you.
It doesn't matter what happens, if it creates a reaction within you that is anything but love and peace, that thing is asking you to look within to find your flawed belief. That can mean you don't really believe you are worthy, secure, loving or compassionate. Whatever it is, look at it, embrace it and allow it to shed wisdom on the beliefs robbing you of your own peace.
Meeting anger with anger only fuels more anger. Meeting anger with love, dissipates the fears that fueled the anger so that it can return to the energy it started from which is love. All things are created from love and all things will return to love when left alone.
Bernadette Dickinson (c) 2008