The Key To Successful Relationships
The most successful relationships are based on mutual respect and affection.
Many couples who have been together for 20 years will tell you that their partner
is their best friend. Best friends are your most intimate relationship. You
tell your best friend everything. You express yourself openly without fear of
being judged. You ask for help and offer help when your friend is in need. You
talk about everything and sometimes nothing. You know how your best friend thinks,
feels and what they value. Your best friend knows you and the two of you grow
together. You learn new things, explore new thoughts and share your feelings
openly. You laugh together, cry together and support one another through every
aspect of life.
It impossible to have an intimate relationship with someone who is always busy
doing their own thing or doing things that don't include you. It is equally
hard to have a relationship with someone who is solely focused on work, success
or individual goals. In order for a relationship to thrive and grow more connected,
communication has to be a priority. You must be willing to be authentic and
honest when you communicate. We are willing to tell our closest friends how
we feel and yet we won't tell our partner for fear that he/she will reject us.
Women experience emotional intimacy through communication, while men express
their emotions more through action and physical touch. In most breakups instigated
by the woman, she has been grieving the relationship loss prior to leaving.
Men however, go along thinking everything is fine. Even in the midst of a total
lack of communication where the woman stops expressing her feelings and needs,
somehow the man in her life misses that this is the sign that the woman has
given up and is ready to leave.
I've spoken to countless men who lose the woman they love and they don't understand
what happened. She tried to voice her needs and he just didn't get it. Instead
of clarifying what her needs were, he just ignored it and thought it would go
away. While ignoring these important communications makes it go away, the consequence
is that she will go away as well.
I've also spoken to men who want the woman they're with to talk to them and
tell them what she's thinking and feeling. Instead, the woman avoids intimacy
and connection and won't open up to him. Sometimes it is women who are looking
for something less intimate and more materially satisfying.
I know a man who focused solely on his wealth and career for the majority of
his adult life. He is now in his mid forties. He is single, never married, no
kids. Now that he has built his wealth, he wants to find someone to share it
with. The problem is that he's not developed his emotional side. He has been
alone for so long that his opinion is the only one that counts. He does not
know how to be giving and compassionate. He has not spent time developing his
spiritual side or emotional side so he is very much stunted in those areas.
He handles his relationships much like business. Unfortunately, relationships
are not like business. Humans grow and change. Emotions fluctuate and it is
not as easy to solve the problems that arise due to emotional needs. My advice
to him has been that he needs to spend time developing his ability to be a loving,
compassionate and caring person. Change his priorities, putting a loving relationship
on the top of the list. He needs to get in touch with his own feelings so that
he can express those feelings in relationship to someone else. Additionally,
he needs to be in touch with others and begin to understand their feelings and
needs. By learning to feel, to listen, respond, act in a loving and giving manner
he can have what he wants.
know of many people that have had their hearts broken in the past and don't
want to be open to that hurt again. I would advise those that fall into this
category to not give up and shut down. Find a healthy partner that is capable
of becoming your best friend and most trusted confidante.
If you are not in a relationship but want to find a life partner, be a loving
person to your kids, pets, family and even strangers. In doing this, love will
find you and you will walk with a full heart!!
If you are in a relationship but the connection has died and communication has
stopped, don't give up. You can begin to express yourself honestly and openly.
While it may take time to reconnect with your partner, if both partners are
willing it can heal. Find things to do together that will allow for communication
and also fun. Rediscover who you are to your partner and who your partner is
to you. Take turns doing things your partner enjoys. Pick something new to do
together. If your partner is not able to communicate with you, you may have
to consider the possibility of leaving. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship
that won't allow you to be authentic. That is another topic I will address in
the future.
Many times communication breaks down because either one or both get lost in
their goals, work and immediate concerns. While we all have to work, the volatility
of the economy and world should be a reminder of what is really important and
what brings true happiness. Love is a gift we give to someone freely and in
doing so we are blessed. Be present when you are communicating. Hear what the
other is saying and empathize with them. Connecting with someone is a powerful
energy that multiplies our sense of belonging.
Blessings ~ Bernadette Dickinson
(c)2008 all rights reserved