Be Careful What You Wish For...
Careful What You Wish For…
You Just Might Get It!
Isn’t it funny that when we DON’T have someone or something in our life, we idealize it to a point of obsession?
I can’t tell you just how many times this has happened, but it happens with a fairly frequent occurrence.
I receive a call, or a series of calls, from a querent concerning a relationship that is “On a Break”.
The break may be a few weeks, a few months, or perhaps even stretch out into a year, no matter, when we read together, in some time frame, we see reconciliation.
The problem is…
During the “On a Break” phase, no matter how I try to cajole and coax the querent to use this time to comparison shop and ENSURE psychologically and emotionally that THIS PERSON is truly the best match for them and WORTHY of all this pain and suffering, they, (in the majority of cases), do not move on, do not “investigate other opportunities” and remain obsessed with the ultimate return of the object of their affections.
The old saying “Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder” is true. It is frequently what makes the estranged lover return, and, conversely, is also likely to cause the jilted partner to idealize the absent partner in the wake of the break up.
So, now, when the jilted one speaks of the absent one, (and it usually gets worse with time), the sarcasm in the absent lovers’ personality is viewed as wit, flirtatious behaviors become charming, disregard for their feelings becomes focus on career, etc. etc. etc. All of the faults that the absent partner possesses somehow magically are transformed into amazingly positive characteristics! How can they live without this love?! No one can ever make them feel like this ONE person does!!
This is the problem, during a break, the wisest thing to do is to let go as soon as possible and to begin moving forward. It is very difficult to do, (I know, been there, done that, have the T-Shirt), but it is the healthiest thing to do.
Let me explain why.
If, during your break, you do not put yourself out there to meet other potential mates, you run the risk of:
a) Extending your period of mourning the relationship and causing yourself more pain, you have no distractions, all of your free time is spent examining your pain, feeling your pain, you are immobilized, you have to move to get the blood flowing again so that the wound can heal.
b) Idealizing your current ex, who may very well be a scallywag that was not worthy of your affection and attention to begin with
c) Miss opportunities to meet a new partner who will be a better match to you emotionally and psychologically
d) Lose your “Partner Thermometer”, and so idealize your ex that you get back into the original relationship with no new knowledge or level of understanding only to repeat the same mistakes over again, and THEN realize that he or she was not the right person for you anyway.
Here are the benefits of getting out there and dating while on a break, or in any kind of “Relationship Limbo” for that matter:
a) Your time is spent socializing and taking your mind off of your pain, thus helping you to begin to heal.
b) You realize that others will treat you well and be attentive and that it feels good when someone actually seeks your company rather than flees from it.
c) It gives you practice (as a woman), without emotional investment, in accepting or rejecting the way people treat you, or practice (as a man) of seeing yourself being respected and trusted…. See My Other Blogs on Masculine and Feminine Energy
d) You don’t have to MARRY the people you date in the interim, it teaches you how to date CASUALLY without heavy emotional or sexual involvement. You are dating at this time to be social and learn what other venues are available to you.
e) You may actually meet someone who is a BETTER MATCH for you overall, thus resolving your break up issue and curing your painful condition
Whether you get back with your ex or not, you should never remain socially celibate during a break up.
Now, if and when you do reconcile and you HAVE NOT exercised your right to live freely during the break, you get back into the relationship with NO NEW PERSPECTIVES and an idealized vision of the current love. This puts you in a precarious position, because now your former ex may have the attitude of “I came back to you, what more do you want”, and you gain no ground in your relationship and also no growth in the relationship.
You may then begin to realize that this isn’t the partner for you after all, and that you have wasted not only the time spent mourning the break up, which may have been lengthy, but also the time spent reconciling, only to decide that now YOU want to end it. Believe it or not, in the cases where clients call me concerned about reconciliation, about 25% end up ending the relationship they pined for so desperately during the first year of reconciliation. It usually is not a “new issue” that makes the break occur, but old, unresolved issues, due to the fact that no growth occurred during the break period. Some feel that they have won a battle when the ex returns, only to lose the war and throw the relationship out with the next round of problems.
If, however, you DO take advantage of the time apart to expand your horizons, and you decide to re-enter the relationship, you are doing so with a clear vision, having been able to run a comparison and a reality check during your break.
Your odds for a successful reconciliation will go up dramatically once you have removed the rose colored glasses by living fully outside of your relationship!
You then have a clear understanding of the original partner and can accept him or her as a real, flawed person, warts and all!
So, be careful what you wish for and use your time apart wisely to ensure a happy future.
Have You Performed a Relationship Autopsy?
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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And From May of 2007:
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From April of 2007:
Understanding Past Life Connections and Memories
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Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Calculating Soul Mate (Soulmate) Connections With Astrology
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The Meaning of the Pentacle
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From March of 2007:
A Soul Mate (Soulmate) Story
Understanding Soul Mates (Soulmates) by Brigid Bishop
The Dating Game by Brigid Bishop
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Myths and Truths About Tarot
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