Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

I have scenerio Three for you: You are in a relationship, this person wasn't married when u met him, but now is, two more kids down the road. Says they never have sex. oops. hmm?  says your the only one. Still loves u, blah, blah, blah. Makes no intensions to leave his wife, but says cheaper to keep her. Where does this leave one that believes the hogwash???

In the wash with the hog?

At least you realize that the situation belongs on a farm, hence, in the "hog" wash.  Ahem....sounds like "bull" to me.

Great post! Something else to prepare yourself for is the insidious voice in your head, (courtesy of other people who are all experts on life, coff coff) that says "he cheated on his last partner so he'll do it to you too." It can be a great source of unhappiness and self sabotage!
:))
Faith

Oh yes, that is like a well known chorus to a familiar song, but oh, so wrong.  :)

This is a terrific blog. I would like to add that sometimes, even men who are already divorced and share children come with a huge set of "problems" that can be very harmful to a new relationship. Depending on the man's habits over the years - meaning: how he's kept his relations with his ex - is something very worthwhile investigating PRIOR to committing.

In my own case, my husband has joint custody and has his children 50% of the time; I have my children 100% of the time. His children were mainly managed by his ex... even during his access. I knew the situation was not healthy, but it wasn't until I moved in that I realized that my husband and his ex behaved as though they were still married when it came to the kids... she would manage all of the children's affairs and tell my husband where, when and why he needed to be somewhere for them. She would make sure that he was doing 50% of the tasks (she would schedule and organize all of them), paid 50% for all activities (she would decide what, when, where, how much, how long, and why), and she would scream and yell at him if he missed a date, or couldn't make it to something, or forgot - she would rant about how irresponsible he is and that he's not the father she expects him to be or that the kids deserve... and she would constantly complain about things from during their marriage... you wouldn't think this would be the case 7 years POST divorce. But believe me, it can happen and it's a tremendous strain on a new marriage.

So very, very important to research thoroughly any situation involving a man (or woman) who is divorced and shares children.

Whether the gentleman started his relationship with you prior to his divorce or not, any previously married man with children is subject to this kind of behaviour.

It is actually in the best interest of the children involved for the parents to actively "parent" together, however, many mothers with primary custody do behave as you are stating, and these behaviours are not unusual in the least.

When a woman gets involved with a previously married man she inherits his ex-wife as well.

Any woman in this situation needs to be aware of the parenting styles and issues before making a serious commitment to the man in question, regardless of at what point her relationship with him began.

Step-parenting is an entirely different can of worms, so to speak, and it is always much more difficult if the new woman in the man's life became involved prior to the first relationship ending.

It can destroy many a second marriage if it is not brought under control, many find that the situation becomes unbearable enough to divorce, which is exactly what the ex-wife hopes for.  When you are dealing with a situation like this the best thing to do is just allow the biological parent to deal with it, no matter how unpleasant the ex may make it, you aren't going to be able to change the behaviour of the ex,  eventually the children grow up and at that point the ex no longer has as much control, however, the negative influence may still be a factor.  It is one of those situations you either have to accept or reject, it is not one that you can change, sadly.

That is why I state in my blog "Now, there is his family to contend with. Do you actually believe that his children and his parents are going to welcome you with open arms? To be realistic, the children may very well hate you for the rest of their lives for disrupting their home life. Even if it wasn’t happy, and the parents were fighting a lot, it was the “norm” and their dad was a part of their day-to-day living, and now you “took him away”. They are likely to resent you big time. If the ex-wife is particularly vindictive, she will poison the children in many ways against you and probably against him too. This does not make for a happy foundation for a blended family."

I don't know if your husband was still married to his ex when you two started your relationship or not, but it is always harder if that is the case.  As you know, it's difficult enough to begin with.

Thank you for your comment and good luck with your situation!

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Oh thank you for your comments from some time ago, Brigid. I do appreciate your input.

My relationship with my husband began at least 5 years after the divorce - we hadn't known each other prior to that either.

I agree 100% with all that you have said in your response. I only wish I had known that in advance. From a distance, the situation appeared manageable. It became a problem when the ex-wife started making demands of ME as well.

Since moving in with my husband, I have been a stay-at-home parent - this was a purposeful decision based on several reasons that had nothing to do with the ex-wife. But once she saw that I was at home, she started making demands of me personally. My husband had changed his work in the year prior to us marrying and me moving in, and so that was something that had changed between him and his ex-wife - he was no longer available to be at her beck-and-call as she had become accustomed to over the years. With me being at home, she chose to try and transfer those responsibilities onto me. Frankly, I had enough on my plate with all the various transitions for the people in my home to be dealing with her demands on top of it, so I pushed back on it.

The entire situation became very strained. This is a woman who will do just about anything to get her way. She would demand that I do things for her kids that even she wasn't willing to do herself. And the list of excuses she'd pour out... oh my... what a trip.

Now I've come to the point where I just leave everything to my husband when it comes to her. I'll deal with her if I absolutely have to, but not otherwise. Frankly, it's been so bad, that I'm even reluctant to give my opinion on things when my husband asks for it... and a lot of the time I just don't even want to know about it.

So yes, they had their way and they have their way, but it definitely becomes an issue when I get yelled at for not conforming to their way. Where does one draw the line?

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