Independence, Codependence and Interdependence
Independence, Codependence and Interdependence
Where are you at with your relationship style?
Independence?
In “Deep End”-ness
Co “Deep End”-ness
Inter “Deep End”-ness
Picture the realm of relationships as a big swimming pool. You are in the deep end of the pool.
If you are in “independent” mode, you are swimming around all by yourself, doing fine, getting out and diving in off the high dive, unaffected by the other swimmers around you. You are an individual and you are not connecting with others at this time, you are focused on yourself and yourself alone. You may take an occasional date with another swimmer, but you prefer to swim alone most of the time.
If you are in “codependent” mode, well, you won’t go in the water alone. Someone must always be with you. A lifeguard must always be around. When you dive in you immediately swim over to another swimmer and begin to cling on to them, they frequently push you away. You may feel like you are drowning and no one is helping you. The more you try to cling to another swimmer, the more you are pushed away and you thrash around and swallow water and end up hanging on to the side of the pool coughing and crying. It’s not much fun in the pool for you, but you keep trying.
If you are in “interdependent” mode, you have a great time at the relationship pool. You have one special partner that you swim with on a regular basis. You may synchronize your swim into a beautiful dance in the waters of relationship, when you go to the diving board to try a new move, your partner is there in the water below waiting and watching to be sure you are safe, spotting you while you dive, and you do the same for them. When your swim time is over, you are both comfortable going your separate ways as you know that you will meet back at the pool again soon for another dip, and you feel secure about the other person.
I am a firm believer in interdependence. Independence is fine, it is healthy, but in relationships we have to know how to let people in. Independence can become lonely if we refuse to join in the fun going on in the relationship pool, but there are times when we want to be alone, perhaps we are healing over a bad breakup or just not ready because we have other priorities right now, raising children or career, etc., but don’t swim alone for so long that you forget how to connect.
Codependence is a horrible, anxiety ridden state to exist in. We feel like we are nothing unless we can define ourselves by our relationships, behaviors while in codependent mode can escalate to cyber stalking, and worse, physical stalking. We want others in our lives so bad that we drive them away because we don’t have the self-discipline to let our relationships develop naturally. We tend to go through relationships faster and in higher numbers than most. They all seem to start off promising enough, but within a month or two we are back on the side of the pool crying and coughing. If you are in codependent mode, it may be wise for you to try the independent mode for several months to readjust your relationship goggles and your approach to relationships in general. Once we have mastered independence, we have a much higher success rate at moving on to interdependence.
Ah, interdependence, to me, it is the way all healthy relationships should operate. You and your loved one are secure in knowing that you are there for each other, you are capable of being together, happily, and also of pursuing other interests and friendships without fear or insecurity. There is no need to check up on each other or doubt anything because you have established trust, respect and love. To gain interdependence you and your partner must spend the necessary time in the relationship pool, getting to know each other and enjoying each other, but you must also learn to respect each other’s boundaries and to give each other space.
What is your style of swimming in the relationship pool?
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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