Many adult single women are looking to find love, it’s the nature of the beast. We long to pair ourselves with someone, to be appreciated, to have a “special someone” to share our thoughts and feelings with on a consistent basis and to open ourselves to building a foundation together.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking to love and be loved, however, many women just don’t seem to be successful in achieving the relationships that they so strongly desire. Why is that?
Well, there are about as many reasons why a woman can’t find love as there are stars in the sky, let’s take a hard look at one or two of them in today’s blog.
You must define what your primary energy is. Are you passive in nature? Are you able to sit back and simply accept or reject that which a man may offer to you? If so, you are a primary feminine energy.
Are you a go-getter in all areas of your life? Are you very extroverted? Do you initiate contact with men you are interested in? If so, you are a primary masculine energy.
Ok, so the modern, successful woman meets a man she is interested in and he asks her out. During the beginning of the relationship, at least for the first few weeks, she presents herself as a feminine energy, allowing him to initiate contact and suggest dates, etc., and things seem to go along fairly well for a few weeks or a month or two. What begins to happen, however, is that she wants to “pick up the pace” a bit, she’s anxious to find love, and this gentleman appears to be a suitable potential mate, and she wants to increase the amount of time they spend together and the frequency of communication.
Now, the unassuming guy, not knowing that she feels this intense need to be loved, (because she presents herself initially as calm, cool and collected, in no particular hurry to commit to a relationship), thinks that things are going along just fine when they see each other once or twice a week and communicate once or twice a week, so he doesn’t realize that she is already experiencing a level of impatience and wanting more from him than this.
Each time he has called and asked her out, she has been available and accepted, and she had no problems being physical with him at a rather early stage in their “relationship”, early being defined here as under the two month mark for dating time.
He has no idea that she has already, (nearly immediately), stopped dating other men and is focused on HIM. Period.
She has unknowingly communicated to him that she has no problem being ultra casual with him, whether she knows it or not.
So the gentleman in question sees no problem when he calls her on Friday evening to get together that same night, (no advanced planning), and when he takes her to his place for sex after their “date”, he feels no special bond with her, although he likely enjoys the physical pleasure. On Saturday morning they go back into their own separate worlds and he may not contact her again for as long as a week, again, asking for the last minute date, which she readily accepts.
He goes about his business during the week and because he believes the connection to be ultra casual due to the behavior pattern involved, he really doesn’t think about her much until he has some free time on his hands and an urge to be physical again.
In the meantime, the woman in question is spending the bulk of her time from Saturday morning until his next call talking to her girlfriends about him, projecting a future for them as a “couple” and anxiously waiting for her phone to ring, allowing little else to occupy her thoughts. Typically at this stage I get calls from single clients asking me to read the tarot for them to find out how he “feels” about them. This is not an unusual or unrealistic question, but what strikes me time and time again is the women who call generally don’t take the time to consider how THEY feel about HIM! Their only concern is whether or not he has feelings for them and whether or not the potential for him to fall in love with them is there, they don’t seem to take even a minute of their time to consider whether or not they actually LIKE the man in question or feel that they could fall in love with him.
In addition, they tend to keep their weekends open, failing to make plans with friends or date other men, anticipating any predefined “pattern” they discern from past experience with the man in question in order to ensure that they are available should he choose to again make last minute contact and spend time with them.
Because they are not continuing to develop other relationships or social activities, they become anxious about “how things are going”, “when will he call”, etc. and have themselves in a heightened state of anxiety until they hear from the gentleman in question.
Usually, at this stage, is when the woman in question starts destroying any chance of building a relationship with the man. Why? Because they have gotten themselves into a casual sexual affair and they now want to change it into a “relationship”. So how do they destroy the connection? Oh, there are many varied ways, but these are the most common in my observations.
Odds are, she nearly immediately added him to her network on whatever social networking site she may frequent, such as myspace or facebook, so she is “keeping an eye” on him in cyberspace, watching what he posts, what anyone else is posting on his page and keeping tabs on any friends he may add. The addition of any new female immediately creates a state of panic in the woman, and may cause her to add some new “friends” of her own to illicit a reaction from him. Highly unlikely to happen as the man in question is unlikely to be paying close attention to her facebook page anyway as he is still considering himself as single and available and behaving as if he is.
When she is unable to illicit a response she may begin posting provocative pictures of herself and perhaps other males (that she is NOT involved with) hoping, again, to illicit some response or reaction from the man in question. Again, this WILL NOT happen as he just assumes she is also dating others, after all, he is only calling/seeing her once a week (or less), so what she does with the rest of her time is her business.
When passive attempts at gaining his attention fail, she begins to become assertive in her need to gain his attention by emailing, texting and/or calling him, making him feel that she is “omnipresent” and pressuring him. This usual results in him cutting conversations short, whether via text or phone or computer IM.
Another way she escalates is, rather than waiting for a call and an invitation for a date, she creates opportunities to be together in advance of his being able to set something up. She begins to initiate the contact, invite him to parties she is throwing, (that she would not be hosting except to make a reason for him to spend time with her), attend movies or sporting events that she believes will interest him and so forth. At first, he may agree to attend with her, but his interest begins to wane and he begins pulling away even more from her.
She has changed from the feminine energy she first presented herself as, to a masculine energy, and he already has his own masculine energy, he doesn’t want to blend it with hers, he wants a woman, not a man, to date. He feels pressured and pursued and it is usually at this point when he either disappears completely or calls it off verbally when she pressures him to “talk about where this is going”.
You can hear the death toll ringing the second a woman says “I want to talk about where this is going”. Doomed. The average male will exit the conversation as quickly as he can, and exit your life as well when he hears those words.
Why does this happen to so many women?
It’s because in our modern culture, women are more masculine energy than ever before. They have impressive careers and lifestyles and are accustomed to going after what they want, aggressively, including men. This will work on a “feminine energy” male, but not on the masculine energy men you encounter.
So how do you find love if you are a successful career woman prone to masculine energy, (going after what you want)?
First and foremost, slow down. When you meet a new male, don’t worry about whether or not HE is going to FALL IN LOVE with you. Consider whether YOU could possibly FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM!
Now, consider your natural energy. If you are interested in a masculine energy male, (the go-getter type), then you have to stay in a feminine energy mode, which is very difficult to do if it is not your natural energy. If you have self-discipline, you can do it, but it won’t be easy. This means that until you are in a true relationship setting you do not initiate contact, create dates or otherwise try to steer the connection. You either accept or reject what the male offers. You do not ask for phone numbers or other contact info, but you supply yours when asked.
If you find it impossible to be passive and simply accept or reject, then you must embrace your masculine energy and seek out men who are more feminine energy. This does not mean that they are effeminate in any way, what it means is that they are the more dreamy types, frequently very creative in some way, musically or artistically, and they have no problems allowing a woman to pursue them and steer the relationship. How will you know? When you ask him out, he will say yes, when you call him, he will always answer, when you invite him out, he will accept happily, he will have no problems with you pursuing him. If he balks at any of the above, he’s not the right energy for you, move on before you get attached.
Another key factor is taking your time before becoming physically involved. Women do bond to the men that they have sex with, it’s biological. Do not have sex with a man until you know that you two are going to enter into a relationship, wait at least six to eight weeks after you start dating to allow this to occur. If you jump right into bed, you are risking bonding to a man that you may not be compatible with. Slow down.
If you are a feminine energy female, or residing in your feminine energy to establish a relationship, stay there! You cannot switch back and forth until the relationship is ESTABLISHED. The same goes for the masculine energy women out there. You can’t start off doing all the work and then expect him to turn around and start pursuing you. Once you establish your energy stay there until you are truly in a “couple”, at that time it is normal for the two of you to vary your energies, but not until then.
If you want to be cherished and put up on a pedestal where he cares about how you feel, you have to be the feminine energy, which means, NO CALLING, TEXTING, ASKING OUT, STALKING ON THE NET, or other types of assertive behavior, let him come to you, literally.
Until a guy asks you to be exclusive, keep dating others, and do not have sex until he asks you to be exclusive if you are the feminine energy.
If you are the masculine energy, go ahead and be physical with him if you feel so inclined, ask him to be exclusive before you sleep with him though. You will bond the same as your feminine energy sisters, so be sure that you want to bond to this guy before you do, but you are the masculine energy, so put it out there.
When you align your energy and know your role, regardless of which energy you find the most suitable for you, your relationships will start to blossom and love and happiness can be found.
Love usually comes naturally when the ingredients between two people are there, when it feels like your relationship is a struggle, it is not going to work and you should move on and not invest any more time and emotion into it! STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERY GUY YOU DATE “THE ONE”, when the right guy comes along, things will just pick up their own energy and you won’t be anxious about whether or not he is interested, you will know because he will be pursuing you OR happily allowing you to pursue him!
Please read my blog entitled “The Dating Game” to achieve a deeper understanding of masculine/feminine energies.
Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop
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