Relationship Autopsy
Relationship Autopsy
Ok, it’s over. It’s dead. Done. Fine’. Even your most trusted Advisor has told you this. You’ve been scouring psychic sites looking for advisors who will tell you that it’s not over, but you know in your heart that it is. You’ve even thought about buying a spell to try to bring him back. It’s been a long time since you’ve heard from him, months and months, and you know through your cyber stalking and the grapevine that he has moved on. You are trying to let go and move on, but you just feel like you can’t. Sometimes it feels like you are dying inside. What is your best course of action?
STOP RIGHT THERE.
Promise yourself that when you do call a psychic (if you do), that you will NOT even mention his name. You will not ask about what is going on in his life. You will not ask how he feels about you. You will not ask if he is coming back. You WILL ask how you can begin to heal. You WILL ask what action can you take to begin the process of moving on. You WILL get the support and guidance that you need if you call me, this I promise you. I have been through a difficult breakup myself, I survived, and you will too.
STEP ONE
Perform a Relationship Autopsy.
What was the cause of death here?
Did the heart of the relationship break down due to a lack of maintenance? Did you take each other for granted? Were you mismatched from the beginning? Was the lesson you two were to teach each other completed?
I am one to make lists.
Fold a paper in two, lengthwise and make two columns. The title of the first column is “Positive”, and of course the title of the second column is “Negative”.
Here you will honestly list all of the positives and negatives about the dearly departed relationship.
Which side of your list is longer?
If it is the negative side, why on earth are you so sad? Feel happy that you are now free to start all over again, fall in love all over again, make a fresh start!
If it is the positive side, then yes, you are probably in a lot of pain, and the only way out of the pain is to work through it. You will need to take an inventory at your autopsy.
If this relationship was so positive, you must now decipher how it came to pass away in the manner that it did.
Make another list.
One column is your contribution to the death toll, the other is his.
Again, which side is longer? What do you learn by analyzing your lists? What mistakes have you made that you see a pattern with at this, and other autopsies.
Now that you have ascertained the cause of death, it is time to allow the relationship to rest in peace. Perform your personal memorial service. Put away all of the little reminders and mementoes that keep evoking your sadness. Put them away in a box, somewhere obscure in your house, or if you are really strong, throw them out! Most of us like to hold on to these bittersweet memories, I am a packrat, and I have several boxes like this in storage.
The healing time for each and every individual varies, a rule of thumb is approximately one month of mourning, (this is a death, isn’t it?), for every year of the relationship. Allow yourself time to heal and to feel better. Take some quiet time for yourself. If you have been together for five years, it may well take you five months to start feeling yourself again. Treat yourself to learning something new, beginning to live the life that you have always imagined yourself living, let the travel bug bite you if you are so inclined. Take care of you right now.
If you are suffering physically, not sleeping, not eating, etc., go get a checkup at your family physician, you may unknowingly be suffering from depression and your doctor can help you treat your depression.
Again, take care of you.
If there are belongings of his at your residence, pack them up and ship them to him. Do not hold on to them. They do not represent him. They are either items that are insignificant to him, or he is trying to avoid drama by not picking them up in person. Don’t enclose any heartfelt note, and don’t damage them, just ship them to him. C.O.D. if he was a cad.
Do not stalk him in any way shape or form. Don’t access his voicemail, don’t check his email, don’t go online with his passwords for his match listing or his cell phone. What good is this going to do you? You are staying focused on information that is only going to hurt you. You cannot control him, and it is none of your business what he is up to at this point as he is no longer your partner. Let go. It’s called a breakup because it is “broken”.
Strictly discipline yourself to putting his life out of your mind and focusing on yours. It is hard, but in awhile, you will begin to feel better, you will be ready to date again and life will resume a normal rhythm for you, but you have to take the time to heal.
When I was divorcing my first husband, my Mother-In-Law imparted these words of wisdom to me, she said, “Brigid, don’t be so upset, men are like buses, you stand on a corner long enough, and another one comes by.”
Truer words were never spoken.
So when it is over, hard as it may be, accept it, autopsy it, mourn it, grieve it, take time to heal, learn from it, and then move on!
Brigid Bishop
Want to Understand Relationships From All Angles?
Read "Relationship Geometry".