So He Left His Wife, Now What?
He Left His Wife! Now What?
by Brigid Bishop
Ok, you had been in the midst of a fairly serious affair with this married man. You survived all of the mayhem as discussed in my blog Cheating and Affairs and now you think you’re troubles are over.
Stop.
This is not the end of your problems, it is just a new set of challenges.
There are two ways that this situation can go. Let’s explore both of them.
Scenario One
The married man you love has left his wife and your relationship is still “iffy”.
Scenario Two
The married man you love has left his wife and he is making definitive plans for a future with you.
In Scenario One you may be dealing with a man who has spent years in an unwanted marriage, and although the time you had together may have had it’s good points, and you may have thought that he loved you, he may feel that he has been living his life in a very restrictive manner and the divorce now gives him the freedom to live as truly single again.
Your relationship with him may start to suffer. He may blame you for his divorce, pick fights for no reason, cheat on you, or outright leave you.
Some men, when they divorce, get a feeling of “out of the frying pan and into the fire” and they will never commit to the woman that they were with when they left their marriage. This happens in about 50% of the cases I have worked with when the man does exit his marital commitment.
Many times the catalyst to the breakup of the affair in question is the pressure that the woman who has been waiting for years applies to the man to progress the relationship.
The woman may feel that she has spent more than enough time waiting for this to be real, and now that he is “free”, he should immediately commit to her. The man in question, as stated, may need a period of time to spread his wings, sow his wild oats again, and you, the woman in waiting, may find that not only is your waiting not over, but the relationship itself may be falling to pieces just when you thought your dreams were coming true.
In some cases, this stage, or breakup, may only be temporary, however, more often than not, this is when the affair loses its’ appeal and things start riding the highway to hell.
Scenario Two
Your married man left his wife with the explicit intention of building a life with you, and he has made that very clear to you.
Good for you.
Now, perhaps, you believe that you can really start your relationship for real and that you can have a fresh start.
Although this scenario, rare as it is, can initially be a very happy one for the two of you as a couple, you’re not out of the woods yet.
First of all, there may well be a very difficult (and expensive) divorce proceeding for your married man to contend with. Child custody battles, drawn out settlement negotiations are common.
Divorces of this type are usually much more vindictive than any other type of divorce because of the involvement of the third party (you), no one likes to be cheated on, and your married man’s soon to be ex may be trying to hurt him in any way(s) she can to punish him for cheating.
Even worse, the soon-to-be ex-wife is even more hurt and angry because if she is aware that he intends to build a future with you, he has moved on very quickly and that stings. No one likes to be replaced, especially before they are “gone”. So be prepared for a nasty divorce battle.
Now, there is his family to contend with. Do you actually believe that his children and his parents are going to welcome you with open arms? To be realistic, the children may very well hate you for the rest of their lives for disrupting their home life. Even if it wasn’t happy, and the parents were fighting a lot, it was the “norm” and their dad was a part of their day-to-day living, and now you “took him away”. They are likely to resent you big time. If the ex-wife is particularly vindictive, she will poison the children in many ways against you and probably against him too. This does not make for a happy foundation for a blended family.
Finances may be difficult for a long time to come when the divorce is over. He will likely have child support and possibly alimony as well, so you will have to continue to contribute to the financial stability of your pairing, more so than if this situation did not exist.
Be aware that you may begin to resent the additional financial burdens that the ex-wife and children present, the younger the children, the longer you are restricted.
He may still be required to live a separate life when it comes to his children. To keep peace he may have to keep his relationship with his children separate from you, it happens very often, so keep your fantasies of a happy blended family to a minimum.
His parents may or may not accept you, it will depend upon your individual circumstances, so again, you may feel like you are still an outsider.
You will also need to be concerned about joint assets. Suppose he moves into the home you already own and you marry. Be sure you have a will defining how your assets will be distributed. What if you have children as well, if you die first and do not define who the house goes to in your will, your now-husband will inherit it automatically, and then when he passes on who gets it? Your kids? His kids? You must look at the situation realistically to protect yourself as well as any children you have on your own.
As time goes on, the situation may improve, children grow up, exes move on, people adapt, but be aware that these are just a few of the challenges you may face when you enter into this volatile situation. People fall in and out of love all of the time.
Your situation is not unusual to say the least, but it is more challenging in the obstacles and pressures that come your way due to the way that it began.
Keep that in mind.
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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