He Left His Wife! Now What?
by Brigid Bishop
Ok, you had been in the midst of a fairly serious affair with this married man. You survived all of the mayhem as discussed in my blog Cheating and Affairs and now you think you’re troubles are over.
Stop.
This is not the end of your problems, it is just a new set
of challenges.
There are two ways that this situation can go. Let’s explore both of them.
Scenario One
The married man you love has left his wife and your
relationship is still “iffy”.
Scenario Two
The married man you love has left his wife and he is making
definitive plans for a future with you.
In Scenario One you may be dealing with a man who has spent
years in an unwanted marriage, and although the time you had together may have
had it’s good points, and you may have thought that he loved you, he may feel
that he has been living his life in a very restrictive manner and the divorce
now gives him the freedom to live as truly single again.
Your relationship with him may start to suffer. He may blame you for his divorce, pick fights
for no reason, cheat on you, or outright leave you.
Some men, when they divorce, get a feeling of “out of the
frying pan and into the fire” and they will never commit to the woman that they
were with when they left their marriage.
This happens in about 50% of the cases I have worked with when the man
does exit his marital commitment.
Many times the catalyst to the breakup of the affair in
question is the pressure that the woman who has been waiting for years applies
to the man to progress the relationship.
The woman may feel that she has spent more than enough time waiting for
this to be real, and now that he is “free”, he should immediately commit to
her.
The man in question, as stated, may need a period of time to
spread his wings, sow his wild oats again, and you, the woman in waiting, may
find that not only is your waiting not over, but the relationship itself may be
falling to pieces just when you thought your dreams were coming true.
In some cases, this stage, or breakup, may only be
temporary, however, more often than not, this is when the affair loses its’
appeal and things start riding the highway to hell.
Scenario Two
Your married man left his wife with the explicit intention
of building a life with you, and he has made that very clear to you.
Good for you. Now,
perhaps, you believe that you can really start your relationship for real and
that you can have a fresh start.
Although this scenario, rare as it is, can initially be a
very happy one for the two of you as a couple, you’re not out of the woods yet.
First of all, there may well be a very difficult (and
expensive) divorce proceeding for your married man to contend with. Child custody battles, drawn out settlement
negotiations are common. Divorces of
this type are usually much more vindictive than any other type of divorce
because of the involvement of the third party (you), no one likes to be cheated
on, and your married man’s soon to be ex may be trying to hurt him in any
way(s) she can to punish him for cheating.
Even worse, the soon-to-be ex-wife is even more hurt and
angry because if she is aware that he intends to build a future with you, he
has moved on very quickly and that stings.
No one likes to be replaced,
especially before they are “gone”.
So be prepared for a nasty divorce battle.
Now, there is his family to contend with. Do you actually believe that his children and
his parents are going to welcome you with open arms? To be realistic, the children may very well
hate you for the rest of their lives for disrupting their home life. Even if it wasn’t happy, and the parents were
fighting a lot, it was the “norm” and their dad was a part of their day-to-day
living, and now you “took him away”.
They are likely to resent you big time.
If the ex-wife is particularly vindictive, she will poison the children
in many ways against you and probably against him too. This does not make for a happy foundation for
a blended family.
Finances may be difficult for a long time to come when the
divorce is over. He will likely have
child support and possibly alimony as well, so you will have to continue to
contribute to the financial stability of your pairing, more so than if this
situation did not exist. Be aware that
you may begin to resent the additional financial burdens that the ex-wife and
children present, the younger the children, the longer you are restricted.
He may still be required to live a separate life when it
comes to his children. To keep peace he
may have to keep his relationship with his children separate from you, it
happens very often, so keep your fantasies of a happy blended family to a
minimum.
His parents may or may not accept you, it will depend upon
your individual circumstances, so again, you may feel like you are still an
outsider.
You will also need to be concerned about joint assets. Suppose he moves into the home you already
own and you marry. Be sure you have a
will defining how your assets will be distributed. What if you have children as well, if you die
first and do not define who the house goes to in your will, your now-husband
will inherit it automatically, and then when he passes on who gets it? Your kids?
His kids? You must look at the
situation realistically to protect yourself as well as any children you have on
your own.
As time goes on, the situation may improve, children grow
up, exes move on, people adapt, but be aware that these are just a few of the
challenges you may face when you enter into this volatile situation.
People fall in and out of love all of the time. Your situation is not unusual to say the
least, but it is more challenging in the obstacles and pressures that come your
way due to the way that it began. Keep
that in mind.
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
This content may not be
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of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but
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On The Outside Looking In
Brigid Bishop Relationship Coach
Have You Read Brigid Bishop's Classic Blogs?
The Newly "BED" Game
Tough Love In the Garden of Eden
Thyme In a Bottle
Why Do People Cheat?
What is Your Power Animal?
The Bridal Bouquet
(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)
Independence, Codependence and Interdependence
Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.
On The Outside Looking In
Doing The Relationship Limbo?
Be Careful What You Wish For!
Relationships From All Angles, The Geometry of Relationships
He Chased Me 'Til I Caught Him
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The Dating Game
Insights Into Affairs of The Heart
Authored by Brigid Bishop
Social networking sites, cell phones, texting, online chat and dating make it easier for us to access each other, but more difficult to form solid emotional bonds.
The 21st Century has life and relationships moving at a pace never before realized in earlier cultures. People are plugged in and connected on a 24/7 basis, yet, many still struggle with establishing healthy relationships.
The Dating Game provides insights into modern relationships and provides the reader with strategies for coping with dating, breaking up, affairs, divorce and codependency issues.
Find dating tips and relationship strategies that will help you build the healthy connections you want and begin making your relationships work for you.
Written with a sense of humor and true understanding of what the single person is facing today.
Copyright © 2010 by Brigid Bishop