Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

Surviving an Affair

Surviving an Affair

Is it possible to salvage a relationship when your loved one has been untrue?

Yes, anything is possible, however, this particular possibility is a very difficult one.

In one of my previous Relationship Coaching Blogs, we covered the topic of “Why Do People Cheat?”.  In this installment we will cover the challenges of recovering from an affair.

This blog is written for the specific target audience of those that want to continue their relationship with their significant other, despite the fact that they are fully aware that their spouse has been unfaithful.  Many choose to end their relationships on the grounds of infidelity yet there are also many who choose to stay. 

(There will be future blogs for the partners that have cheated and how they can work on regaining their loved ones’ trust as well as the topic of ending a relationship with a cheater.)

First and foremost, you have been hurt, deeply hurt.

No one understands the depth of how much pain an unfaithful spouse or lover can bring to a tender heart more than one who has been through it, and I feel for all who have experienced this particular hell, I’ve been there myself.

In order for your relationship to successfully get past this point and move forward once again, we must be able to forgive the transgression.

This is very, very difficult, and for some of us, it is an exercise in futility.  An inability to forgive this trespass will poison any attempts at truly reconciling the issue.  It is very difficult to forgive someone who has inflicted this level of pain on us, and truthfully, some of us are not capable of this level of forgiveness. 

Prior to beginning to work on your relationship again, you must first truly examine whether or not you are able to forgive your partner for being unfaithful.  Be honest with yourself, this is a key factor in regaining the love you once had for this partner.

All affairs are different.  Some are just sexual, some are emotional, and some are just a one night stand.  What type of an affair did your partner partake in?  Personally, I was more hurt by the fact that my partner became (or risked becoming) emotionally involved than by the sexual or physical aspects of an affair, but everyone is different.

Self Examination.

Are you going to be able to put this out of your mind?  Are you ever going to be able to trust your partner again?  Is your partner truly willing to be faithful and exclusive to you emotionally and physically from this point on?

Answers to YOUR Questions.

You need to sit down with your partner and ask the painful questions, was it sex, was it love, was it a way out, or was it just a fling?  The answers from your partner need to be honest and open, and your partner must feel that you are not going to rip their head off if they tell you the truth in order to feel safe enough to be honest about it.

Is The Affair Over?

Your partner must agree to have absolutely no further contact with the person they cheated with.  This, in some cases, can be extremely difficult, especially if the straying spouse had an affair with a coworker and they both still work together.  It may warrant your partner changing jobs if this is economically feasible, as unless all contact ceases and desists, you may have an unusually difficult time regaining trust in the fallen partner.

Is Your Partner Sensitive to Your Feelings?

You will be angry, hurt, distrustful, upset and confused as you begin this process.  It is an emotional roller coaster no one wants to be on.  In order to survive, your partner needs to be empathetic to your feelings (which may last for years after the affair), and respect and nurture your need for extra effort to reestablish trust.

Taking Responsibility

Both you and your partner must take responsibility for the actions and interactions between you that led up to the affair.  No, I am not blaming the innocent partner here, but affairs happen because something is lacking in a relationship, as I covered in my blog, ““Why Do People Cheat?”.  You must dive down into the depths of your original relationship and examine the root causes of this infidelity.  In some cases, the wayward partner is just a pure schmuck, in that case, why do you want them back?  But in most instances, something was missing that caused the affair.  Identify it and fix it.  If it is irreparable, you may not be able to salvage your relationship.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

No one wants to beat a dead horse, but surviving an affair can actually bring the two of you closer together and give you the ability to be more honest with each other than you ever have been before.  Of course, the preferred state of being is to never have to deal with an infidelity in the first place, however, it happens.  If you choose to survive it, you can, but you must communicate effectively with each other in order to prevent any further mishaps from occurring and to truly have a new beginning in each other’s lives.

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Brigid Bishop