The Newly - "Bed" Game!
The Newly – “Bed” Game
No, not another post about my recent marriage, but a thoughtful post about client concerns once they have physically consummated their latest relationship…
Ok, you’ve taken the plunge. You made love to your newest flame because, let’s face it, things got hot and you were swept up in the moment.
You’ve been attracted to him for some time, and you believe that making love to him is going to bond him to you and make him want you more.
Sometimes that is true, and it is very self-evident because he goes into hot pursuit of you, and he wants more of your time, and more of your physical love and you have nothing to worry about, you are happy and your relationship is growing in its’ physical connection, or is it?
How can you tell if this is just a “physical thing” or if you are on your way to a solid relationship?
Sex is an important part of the bond that grows between a man and a woman, and a strong sexual bond can actually create a firm foundation for emotional gratification, it’s very hard for a man to walk away from great sex, the thing is, is that all it is?
Ways to tell if your newly-bed game is a healthy sexual interchange or just a roll in the hay:
He calls you promptly and frequently to talk, to set up a date (a real date, a social event, not coming over to your house when your kids are asleep to get more sex), he lingers after the sex act is completed, he doesn’t jump up and say “I have an early meeting tomorrow, have to run, call you soon”, when he does leave he kisses you and tells you WHEN he is going to call.
The time you spend together is spent doing a variety of things, not just bumping uglies. For example, on a Friday night you catch a movie, go for a drink or two, talk and then when he takes you home it’s up to you whether or not you invite him into your home and/or your heart. It’s not a good sign if he shows up at your house on a Friday night after 11 and sweeps you off to the bedroom after you’ve been sitting by the phone all week waiting for him to call you.
All romantic relationships need physical and sexual chemistry to progress. The trick is all in the timing. How soon should you allow him to enjoy physical intimacy with you?
There is no pat answer. We’re all different in our value systems, our physical desires, etc., the main thing I want you to consider is how YOU feel about laying yourself open to connecting in this manner, as a woman. The issue is all about female biology. Females tend to bond emotionally to a male they mate with due to the pheromones in her system. This is nature’s cruel trick on our species. This “bonding” biology is absent in the male biology as they are genetically programmed to impregnate as many fertile females as they can to ensure the survival of the species. And although humans have evolved into thinking entities, these natural biological facts still hold true in our modern culture. For a male to “bond” emotionally, it takes much more than a sexual act, (sometimes I think it is purely an “act of God” when they do), it takes a conscious decision on their part that you are their woman of choice.
I would recommend that you not allow yourself to enjoy the physical consummation of your relationship with the new guy too soon, definitely not on the first or second date. The longer you can wait, the more the heated anticipation builds between you, and the more intense your ultimate physical gratification will be for both of you. If it is, indeed, very intense the first time, you can expect that the male in question will want more of the same.
So, we are back to delayed gratification vs. immediate gratification.
I would suggest that as a female you wait at least long enough to be certain that the male has a sincere interest in you, that he is willing to wait until you are comfortable being sexually intimate, and that he is willing to court you and treat you with respect and thoughtfulness while you are learning what kind of partner he is.
If you have spent a few weeks with missed phone calls, poorly planned dates and neglectful behavior, I would say, don’t bond to him, don’t make love to him, having sex is not going to improve your situation, it is only going to make you chemically bond to him and intensify your anxiety when he behaves poorly. However, if he is attentive, treats you well, if he makes time for you and appreciates you and you are feeling that you are being romanced, well, then perhaps it is time to give him a little loving!
The most significant recommendation I can give to you before you newly-bed the new guy is that he should be making you feel that he is consistent in his attentions and sincere in his courtship of you in so much as he is trying to show you what a good guy he is, spend time with you, take you out, and make you feel appreciated.
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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