Tough Love in the Garden of Eden
Tough Love in the Garden of Eden
The first example of "Tough Love" is found in Genesis in the Judeo-Christian Bible.
God gave Adam and Eve one rule to abide by, "Eat not from the Tree of Knowledge", but, in ingesting the fruit of that tree, Adam and Eve lost not only their innocence, but their enabler. God had provided all for his two prototype children, and without hesitation he tough loved them IMMEDIATELY when they violated his one rule. I think that this may be my own parental original sin, I may have delayed the tough love out of selfishness, in order to keep my son close to me and close to home.
Many of my clients and colleagues may have the mistaken impression that due to the happiness I am currently experiencing over my recent nuptials that all is peaceful and pleasant here in Brigid Bishop land, but that is not the case.
As I have written about before, many times when one part of your life comes into balance, another part of your life goes way out of whack, and that happens to be the See-Saw Effect that the universe is providing me with right now.
Many of you are well aware that I have two sons, one 21 and one 19, shortly turning 20.
This is my tough love child, my soon-to-be twenty year old.
I have always tried to impose a strict value system, teach him that there are consequences and try to encourage him to be a productive member of society, but in that, I may have failed.
Circumstances have arisen, beginning on the day of the wedding, that have forced my hand and my heart into a difficult and trying decision.
I am tough-loving him to the nth extreme.
I have evicted him from our home, (his childhood home), forced him to seek professional help, removed all financial support, basically thrown him out of the nest, and it is breaking my heart.
I feel selfish whenever a thought creeps in about happiness in my new marriage, because, as a parent, I feel like the world has crumbled, however, I know that I have no choice. If I do not force him out into independence, I am enabling him to continue on an extremely dangerous path.
The scary part is, forcing his independence means that I surrender all control. By removing myself as an enabler I am handing him over to Gods’ Will, and faith is tested, as I fear that he will continue to make poor choices.
If I allow him to stay, the situation is only going to escalate, and the problematic behaviors will escalate as well. If I tough love him as I am, he has to gather his wits and resources and survive on his own in a world that can be harsh and cruel, but he will become independent if God is willing, my fear is that he will crash and burn, but he is crashing and burning when I hand him high-paying job opportunities and scholarships and the like.
Has my generosity and concern as a parent created this monster?
Was he genetically predisposed to self-destructive behavior?
This I don’t know.
This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, and as I sit here with that sick feeling in my stomach and tears in my eyes while he takes his last shower and shave in our bathroom I feel a mixture of fear, hope, concern, love, frustration and grief.
Parenting.
Letting go.
The two are not synonymous.
This hurts.
However, I cannot be the enabler.
Please God, watch over my son and allow him to grasp the gravity of his situation and choose the right path.
Any prayers you wish to send up for the mental and emotional health of my son Zachary would be greatly appreciated.
Look how far the human race has evolved since God Tough Loved us out of Eden and into the cold harsh world. I must remember that necessity is the mother of invention and hope that Zachary has inherently acquired the traits so needed in surviving todays' world. I survived and blossomed when I left my own nest at age 18 and as a senior in high school, I aggressively sought independence, I pray he will welcome it as he adjusts to it.
"The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit."
Moliere
Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop
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