I know some of you have the problem of wanting a commitment
out of your guy or cannot find a mate who would seemingly want to settle down.
Today though I would like to talk about this issue in reverse: The situation
where as a female, you would like to ‘stay casual’ or have a lighter
relationship without the partner panicking about the future. There is nothing wrong with wanting some idea of the present, and maybe the future - as humans we need routine and security - but the WHOLE thing (as in marriage, children, grandchildren) need not be panicked about right away - yet it usually comes up very quickly with some people.
The problem is that I have found, some men have been taught
to respect us ( women )
so much, that they make the assumption that we are ‘too good
for a casual relationship’ (!)
Everybody dislikes it when assumptions are made about him or
her. I am aware that I do it as well. Though the difference
is I am more prone to assume that the partner would not want a
commitment, not that the partner wants to commit to me!
It’s often a surprise to me to realise that I am being
considered so quickly as a long term, life partner, because often this
happens too early on in the relationship. One should never make a
commitment to someone based on a love induced meeting, or a fabulous few weeks?
This puts us under way too much pressure! Maybe this is is biologically induced, or maybe it's fear based, I don't know, but it has happened to me, and it happens to my clients.
I think it's very daunting for both sides to have that much pressure on them, yet I find these marriage minded people put too much pressure on themselves ( and us ) and the relationship dissipates.
Sometimes what results from this pressure is the person who is
pressured starts sabotaging the relationship, if it moves too fast.
There seems to be a double standard here too. Many women are
no longer in the position to have to ‘make do’ or be in the relationship for
the sake of comfort or material security. Many of us are in the position to
support ourselves, and some of us even have the individual security within the
self to not feel like they need emotional support.
I am choosing to
stay single. Many of us are not doing this out of ‘fear’ but out of
the ability to see that they are maybe not ready to compromise their
vulnerability again unless they feel secure with the person or within
themselves. I sometimes feel happier without a relationship than in one.
That shows me, that the status quo of being single is not
actually the hell it is made out to be. I have time for my friends, I take care
of myself and I am kind to people, I create freely and I am still very happy in
my life. Thus, people like myself will try and stick to the ‘dating diet’ and
just learn to enjoy life, and to it’s fullest all the experiences it has to
offer. This is temporary, but sometimes, little opportunities come along…and
then, they assume we want more?!
Many of my clients are insulted and confused if their partners assume they want commitment when indeed, all they want for now
is a companion.
A ‘companion’ is a friend one can have a secure but casual
relationship with, with few emotional strings attached. I have noticed many ‘mature’
people ( seniors and retirees )seem to call each other ‘companions’. Could that be because they have
finally figured out how relationships work, and are ‘mature’ enough to handle
I feel it is extremely biased to ascribe the ‘nutty female’
syndrome to all women. Yes, many of us PMS – many of us are passionate and
emotional – but that does not mean that because of an abusive, clingy, or needy ex, that one is going to be the same way.
It is my experience that some partners assume we need
marriage to feel secure, or that is
(To quote a male friend): “What she deserves”. Sometimes this all feels very patronising!
What is then left of a friendship that takes on another form
is the partner scurrying off in fear that ‘she wants more’. ( could that be because they want more and fear vulnerability? )
Could there sometimes be hidden in there a passive aggressive element in some instances in controlling a partner who is independent?
Just like we make assumptions about the male anaotomy being the single driving force in their lives
(we are trying to be more gentle with you
guys), we pledge to ask you PLEASE to stop ascribing ‘needy female’ labels to
those of us, who are secure enough to handle involvement on a non-committal
Of course I know this blog is read mostly by my female
readers but I would love to hear some responses from the other side of the
Addendum: An update on me: I am still sticking to my ‘dating
amnesty’. I have not attempted to start any serious relationships, nor have I been looking and have
been more analytical when encountering potential partners. It’s been a fabulous
summer thus far. I have been doing many things for myself, and I do one
seriously fun activity a month that I can look forward to. Each time I indulge
in life, laughter and something new, I become a fresher, happier person, and my need for 'companionship' diminishes. To
me, the most important things in my life are: (in order) my health, my family
and my friends.
Copyright Carmen Miro 2007