A client gave me some interesting insight on my last blog posting, as she felt she was in part to blame for her relationship problems, in not being able to change her attitude towards the relationship.

In the last blog  entry I mentioned how one has to try and change the approach one has towards a relationship. This client was frustrated, because she thought she would have to change herself completely. This is not the case!

For example, in her partnership, both her and her partner are very stubborn. As a result, there is very little movement forward, because stubbornness can a direct result of successful implementation of survival techniques – I don’t think people choose to be stubborn – to me it’s more of a boundary that people erect in order to protect themselves, to survive confrontations, like a form a self-assertion.

In this case, as both partners were stubborn, I suggested that she be the first to change a part of this equation; by perhaps letting go of the past, and on this she replied:

 “But I can’t do this so easily, I am so stubborn!”

I reminded her that one of the reasons she may be holding onto her stubbornness is because it has served her well in the past. A very good book to read on this type of ‘shadow’ emotional reaction, is a book by Debbie Ford, entitled “Dark side of the Shadow Chasers”.

In this book, the author illustrates how certain perceived ‘bad’ traits, are actually often of benefit to us. Take anger as an example. A person with an anger issue may be perceived by others as anger being the way they ‘win’ or maintain control  and this can be seen as agressive and non productive – and this association makes it harder for them to let go of their ability to control their feelings of anger. The angrier they get at themselves for being angry, the more the feeling self perpetuates. What one forgets to acknowledge though, is that anger is an important agent in self protection and that without it, we wouldn’t assert ourselves.

So my first answer to my client would be this: You don’t need to stop feeling your anger/stubborness towards your ex, you can still hold onto what has kept you safe in your past – but that you can try and look at him and most importantly yourself from a different perspective, so that your partner can sense that you are not resenting them continuously.

She agreed that if she could be less stubborn, as a result he may also become more flexible about their relationship as they may be sharing emotions ( this being an empathic transference ) but she seemed unsure as to how to ‘do’ this.

I would suggest the following:

 1)  Try just for once, in one situation in your life, if this person is invaluable to you, to alter your perception of the relationship. Not your attitude towards the person – but your perception of the way things went  wrong. This can be done through counseling, writing, and practice and most importantly, time.

 2)     Don’t expect your feelings to dissolve overnight. Sometimes change is imperceptible. Our own views of ourselves can become myopic if we look at things too closely. Expect some time for this change to evolve.

3)   I find starting off with smaller projects can be helpful in giving one confidence
at initiating emotional changes.  For example, this client could practice being
more flexible with other people first, before she applies it to her relationship. She may notice that changing her stubbornness may be easier than she anticipated, and in approaching things on a less grandiose scale, it may help her see that she can indeed, not always be stubborn, and that her buried flexibilty will serve her better in certain circumstances.

4) Most imporantly, embrace what you perceive as your 'negative' traits, so that you can recognise what triggers them, and also so you can recognise the way they have helped you. I am a great believer that self-acceptance is the vehicle towards change.

Remember  it’s not realistic to change completely – or to expect applying changes immediately – but one can use these lessons in relationships to explore new avenues in our consciousness, and expand our personal horizons.


Copyright Carmen Miro 2008