Curing the Pain of Dwelling
Pain is so personal, so intense, it eventually seems to take on a life of it's own. After the first few weeks, when the pain is bad but the feeling of having been socked in the tummy is gone, you know you have to recover. Some people cannot seem to get past this stage and eight months later are still in a deep, dark place. "It hurts" they cry. "I cannot believe he did this to me". The pain is a fresh and alive as it was when the event happened. It may be worse because they have now investigated WHY it happened and it seems there is no real answer. They feel all they need to move on..... is an answer. There is usually no one, real answer. No magic words to get that much needed closure. It is at this point you need to understand that he/she hurt you and in most cases hurt you once or a few times. It's the replaying of the hurt, the replaying of the abandonment, the cheating, the lies that hurt you again and again. They are not doing this to you, you are doing it to yourself with your 'thoughts', with your trying to reason with something that defies logic. Every time you think about this situation you hurt. Somehow you cant stop dwelling on it and him.
By now your friends (if you have any left) are sick of hearing about your pain. They are politely excusing themselves, or not so politely excusing themselves from you. They have no more words to say. They fear listening to you is just making the situation worse. It's like watching the same re-runs on TV over and over. They start to hide, you start resenting them. You find yourself thinking of this hurt alone, becoming addicted to your secret pain.
You understand by now that's it's your thinking of this over and over that hurts, the actual event is in the past. You cannot let go, you try everything but it's like glue, it sticks. You start to see who you would be if you could just get rid of the stinking thoughts about him and the situation. If not for this thought, you would be happy. If you are ready for the work, the simplest, easiest thing to do is this.
1. Go buy a timer. No cheating and using one you already have on the stove. Mine looks like a little red tomato. Actually it has been so long since I have used it that one of the grandkids may have swiped it. There is no significance to the tomato, it was the only one on sale years ago when I bought it.
2. During the day when you start your thinking the sad old thoughts, refuse to think about the sad situation. Tell yourself you will think all you want when you get home later.
3. Once home and somewhat relaxed. Set the timer for 15 minutes and do NOTHING but think about the person/situation. Give yourself permission to do this so your thoughts are no longer 'illicit'. Stray thoughts about mail, toenails, work, or whatever are NOT allowed. You can only think about the person/situation and you have the whole 15 minutes to do it in.
You will find that after about a week, your thoughts start changing and thinking about the situation makes you feel annoyed. If you do this correctly and do not cheat, soon you will have your life back.