What Really Hurts
I have talked to so many people in anguish. They cry a lot, they think a lot and they come up with new thoughts to torment themselves on almost an hourly basis. Those new thoughts lead to even newer, scarier thoughts. Soon this person is a mess.
This is a short version of an event that actually happened to my friend Sally. Sally was out with Jason, the relationship was about 5 months old. They were at dinner when she noticed him glancing at a slightly older woman. This woman was pretty, she had very red hair that was styled in the old Farrah Fawcet look. Sallys' antenna stared working, he kept glancing at her, short, discreet glances. She started wondering if he liked all that long, layered hair. She started wondering if he had a secret penchant for redheads or maybe he wanted a older woman. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and made sure he walked right by the redheads' table, when he would have had a slightly shorter walk by going another route. He returned to the table the same route. All the time glancing at the redhead. He was only in the bathroom about three minutes. She was sure he just went to have an excuse to have a better look at the older woman. Now she was worried. Her evening was shot. He seemed distracted.
All the next week Sally tortured herself with visuals of Jason and the older redhead. She started checking dating services to see if he had rejoined (she met him on one). He was still calling twice a day but she felt like he was keeping the calls shorter than normal, and he seemed a bit more abrupt. Sally cried a lot at the thought of this relationship ending. Maybe she should just break up with him first. She agonized and wondered what was wrong with her, why was he going to dump her? She could not sleep at night. She started rereading all his emails to see if maybe there was a clue she overlooked.
They made plans for Saturday. They were meeting another couple, his old friend Tom from high school and Toms' wife Lisa. Sally decided to try to get Lisa alone so she could cross examine her about Jason, she was determined to get the dirt on him. They all met at an italian place close to the steakhouse she had been at last week when the redhead appeared. Was this on purpose? Was he hoping the redhead would appear again? Sally was so upset she could not even focus on the conversation, much less getting Lisa alone. Sally poked at her salad. She felt like she was going to be ill. She kept smiling at the table hoping no one would notice how miserable she was. Jason seemed to notice and kept glancing at her. Then the unthinkable happened, the redhead walked in. Sally wondered if Jason had set this up? Just then she heard Jason say:
"Tom look over there at the lady with the red hair."
Tom looked and said "Oh man, thats just spooky!"
Lisa asked "Whats just spooky?"
Tom said "That woman looks just like Jasons' cousin Miranda who was killed in a car wreck about eight years ago, she was such a neat person, she always made us cookies with chocolate chips and these huge pecans."
Jason said "Yeah, I saw her (pointing at the redhead) last week and it really was the weirdest feeling, you know they say everyone has a double out there somewhere." "Maybe it's true and we do."
Sally felt like a huge burden had been lifted, she became her old happy self and started joking about how she was sure her double was a bag lady and Jasons' double was probably on Americas' Most Wanted List, she had the whole group laughing. When Tom said his double was a multi millionaire she joked that he was because he ran an internet site for cross dressers. They had such a good time.
My point is Sally made herself miserable with her own thoughts. She spent a week in misery IMAGINING all kinds of terrors. Her own thought process kept her in a miserable, bitter, frightened space. That week could have been a happy one had she just calmed her thoughts. Her thoughts were not true. She invented all kinds of scenarios to prove her thoughts to herself. Some people get so caught up in this. They are so unhappy. Just live life and get rid of the scary thoughts.
Who would you be without those frightening thought? What would your life be like without being scared? Only you can control them.