Is it love or addiction?
You have just met an amazing love interest who consumes your
every thought. Nothing else matters, and your friends-well they are around when
you are single, but once you are in a relationship, friends are no longer
important. All that matters is love and you would do anything to ensure this
love lasts forever. Robert Palmer describes the feeling in his song, “Bad Case
of Loving You.” Does any of this sound familiar? If so, then you might have a
case of love addiction.
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Love addicts fantasize about unavailable people, such as
someone who is married or already in a relationship. They obsess over their significant others
when they are in love, confuse needs with wants, are sometimes addicted to
drama, have difficulty walking away from toxic relationships, replace ended
relationships immediately, and always look for happy endings. They jump into
relationships without taking the time to get to know the person. They lead with
their hearts and not with their heads. They can be needy, insecure and
controlling. The control can manifest itself as a projection of guilt on their significant
others, stimulating jealousy, nagging, a feeling of helplessness, or even the
use of sex as a tool to get what they want. Some even play the “caretaker” and
enjoy feeling needed in order to gain control.
Soren Kierkegard, the famous philosopher once said,
“Therefore worldly prudence shouts early and late: look before you love.” The
love addict is so swept away by passion that it is impossible for him or her to
remain rational and grounded. There is something romantic about being swept off
your feet and falling madly in love with someone. The idea of a storybook
romance has been glorified for centuries. After all, that’s what happens in the
movies, right? We have all had those friends who fall hard for someone and then
move on to the next “love of their lives” only a few weeks later. At that
moment, the object of that friend’s desire is more important than anything … that
is until the spell wears off.
In the book, Addiction
to Love: Overcoming Obsession and
Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody, the many forms of love
addiction are outlined, along with how to recognize and treat them.
In the movie Fatal
Attraction Glen Close obsesses over Michael Douglas. Like Glen Close, love
addicts believe they have to be with their significant others or die. Some feel
they must always be in a relationship. Others have to be with a particular
person, even if the feelings for that person have died. In some cases, love
addicts do not necessarily obsess over their partners, but the relationship
itself.
In his song, “Addicted to Love,” Robert Palmer describes the many different
ways love addiction can manifest itself. Some love addicts are addicted to the
“high” of the passion. Then once the passion dwindles, these addicts moves on.
The love addict ignores his or her own boundaries, accepts
dishonesty from their partners or has high levels of tolerance for suffering in
relationships.
How do you know if you are a love addict? Ask yourself the
following questions:
Are you needy?
Do you fall in love fast?
When you fall in love do you obsess over the object of your
love or over the relationship?
Do you get involved with almost anyone who shows interest?
Do you try to hold onto a relationship no matter how
unhealthy it is?
Do you find yourself always falling in love with the wrong
people?
When the relationship ends, do you feel life is over or have
suicidal thoughts?
Do you hate the idea of being alone?
Do you find yourself addicted to drama in relationships?
Do you have difficulty saying “no” to your partner?
Do you suffer rather than let go of a relationship?
Do you think a romantic relationship will fix everything?
Are you terrified that you might never find someone special
to fall in love with?
Do you find yourself playing the role of caretaker in the
relationship?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be
time to explore the possibility that you have an addiction and seek help.
There is hope for the love addict. If treated, love
addiction can go into remission.
Some love addicts are automatically drawn to people who are
needy. There is a strong desire to take care of someone or feel needed in order
to control the outcome by buying love or making the significant other dependent.
Others choose people who will take care of them.
Unfortunately, the needy type of love addict runs the risk of being in a
relationship with someone who is controlling, dominating or in some cases
abusive. Some are drawn to abusive partners unconsciously, only to have
difficulty leaving the relationship down the road.
Then there are the love addicts who are drawn to
artificially beautiful people or someone who is handsome. In many cases, the
beautiful people are only beautiful on the outside and lack everything on the
inside. It’s important to know the person within rather than being swept away
by “love at first sight.” The love addict bonds to the idea or fantasy instead
of the person.
Love addicts also need to watch out for people who remind them
of their parents, especially if their parent/child relationships were
unhealthy. In some cases, childhood trauma or abandonment may have played a
substantial role in the cause of their insecurities and dependency issues.
In Addiction to Love
by Susan Peabody, she states, “…love addicts always start out looking for
someone to love, and end up with an unloving partner instead.” Since love
addicts fear abandonment and cannot stand the thought of being alone, they
often race into relationships too quickly, overlooking the warning signs of an
unhealthy relationship.
Boundaries are critical for the love addict, whether the
boundaries are sexual, emotional, physical, spiritual or relational.
Understanding the types of personalities that trigger obsessive feelings, such
as fear of abandonment, negative feelings, need for constant reassurance,
bonding too quickly or fear of letting go (to name a few) will assist in making
the choice to avoid the relationship altogether.
Making changes is not always easy, but recognizing and
admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
So how does one have a healthy relationship or break the
cycle of love addiction?
First and foremost, you must realize that being single is
not the end of the world. In order to have a healthy relationship with someone
else, it is important to develop a healthy relationship with yourself.
You must face the fear of being alone. While you are single, you should develop
interests, pursue hobbies, read books, spend time with friends, be adventurous,
exercise or journal about your feelings.
You should celebrate having the freedom and time to do whatever you
want. Yes, there are advantages and
disadvantages to being single just like there are to anything else in life. If
you learn to be content with being single, it will be easier to relax and not
obsess when you are in a relationship.
Recognizing the warning signs in advance will help you avoid becoming
swept up in an unhealthy relationship. Below is a list of helpful tips for how
to start a relationship:
- Take
time getting to know the person. Develop a friendship and discover whether
or not this is someone whom you can trust and who makes you feel
safe. Ask: Are you able to count on
this person?
- Hold
off on sex.
- Avoid
being blinded by emotions. Put romantic love into perspective. Lead with
your head and not your heart. If your heart is feeling as if you have met
the man of your dreams and your head is pointing out his temper, his
controlling tendencies, the fact that something is not right about this
relationship, then pay attention to what your head is trying to tell you.
- Know both
what you want and what you do not want. Make a list of things that are
important to you in a relationship, along with a list of things you will
not tolerate.
- Look
for someone who you do not need to change in order to meet your needs.
Find someone already healthy.
- Look
for someone who is happy with you just the way you are and does not try to
change you.
- Avoid
making excuses if your significant other is unable to take care of himself
or herself.
- Know
when to walk away and take action immediately.
- Set boundaries
in the relationship and stick to them.
- When
entering a committed relationship, discuss important topics with your
significant other. These can include
the future, fidelity and what some call “ground rules” of the relationship.
- Do not
panic if your partner pulls back, but if your partner does not return …
understand that it is time to move on.
Look for recovery support groups either online or in your
community. There are some wonderful
resources available that will help break the cycle.
