Unfortunately, We Are Not All on the Same Sheet of Manners Music
I grew up in a military household, so manners were a major focus of our upbringing and training. If we answered the telephone and did not say “Major Smith's residence,” my mother was all over us! If we sat down at the table and started to eat before saying grace, my father would shoot a look at us that made us not want to eat at all! And heaven forbid we should answer an adult without saying “Yes Ma'am” or “Yes Sir”; both my parents would jump on that – especially if the person was a higher ranking official (or spouse thereof) than my father.
When I left my parents' home and went out on my own, I was shocked when other people did not display the same manners and courtesy that had been instilled in me. My mother told me that if I was always nice to other people, they would be nice to me. I actually believed that!
One of the most eye-opening experiences I had with this “be nice” thing was with my son's fifth grade teacher. Mrs. R. was a wonderful woman who had actually had left a career in Corporate America to go back to school and become an elementary school teacher – and a fabulous one she was! I never saw someone who so belonged in a classroom as Mrs. R. She not only had a natural passion for making learning fun, but she also genuinely LOVED kids! I thought we hit the jackpot the year my son landed in her classroom.
At Christmas time, Mrs. R. sent a note home to all the parents indicating that there would be a gift exchange the last day before holiday break. We were instructed to buy a $10.00 gift that either a boy or a girl would like. That was difficult, but my son Jordan and I finally decided on a gum ball machine. We wrapped the gift in holiday paper and off he went on the last school day before holiday break. He was so excited that day – both to give away the gum ball machine and to see what he would bring home.
That day all the gifts were tagged with a number as the children brought them in. Then a corresponding number was placed in a shoe box for the children to draw a number and take the gift with the same number. Unfortunately, one of the girls did not bring in a gift that day. When it came time to draw numbers for the gift exchange, Mrs. R. allowed the girl to draw a number anyway. My son ended up drawing last when there were no numbers left. As luck would have it, this girl ended up drawing the number for the gum ball machine. Instead of telling the little girl she could not draw a number because she had not brought in a gift, Mrs. R. allowed the girl to keep the gum ball machine. Since there were no more numbers or gifts, Mrs. R. pulled a Pez dispenser out of her desk and gave it to Jordan as his “gift.”
When my son came home later that day, he was in tears. He told me the whole story, and I was livid! Other kids in the class even made fun of him for “not bringing in a gift.” Not too long after he got home, I got a call from Mrs. R. who was trying to “explain” away the situation to me. She told me that this child was the product of two very busy parents – a doctor and a lawyer – and these parents often “forgot” to do things like this. Since the little girl's parents often did this kind of thing, Mrs. R. did not want to upset or embarrass her in front of the rest of the class. Mrs. R. went on to explain that she knew that Jordan and I “would understand.”
Wow! Did Mrs. R. ever miscalculate that one! Little did she know that as kind and generous as I can be, rudeness and favoritism are my “hot” buttons! I proceeded to tell her that I did NOT understand, nor did I agree with sparing one child's feelings and embarrassment at the expense of another's. Furthermore, I told her that what she accomplished that day was teaching this little girl that it is acceptable and mannerly to 1) Take something that is not yours even if someone else is hurt in the process; 2) Not follow the rules of proper etiquette and still be rewarded for it. Mrs. R. was extremely apologetic for her part in hurting Jordan's feelings and assured me that she would “re-think” any situations like this that came up in the future.
When children are not taught manners as children, they grow into adults who do not have manners. This becomes a pattern in their behavior that follows them throughout their lives. So when we give someone a gift and do not receive a thank-you note – or sometimes even a “thank you” -- it is because this person somewhere along the way learned it was “OK” not to say “thank you.” Or when we leave that voice mail or send that email or text message and no response is received, we have to remember that we did not all learn the same set of manners as we grew up – hence, we are NOT all on the same sheet of “manners” music. Although this is difficult to accept, it is true. Once we can get to a point where we can accept that all people do not behave in accordance with the standards and expectations we set for ourselves, then we can ease our stress by beginning to understand where the other person is “coming from.” This does not mean we have to accept their behavior; it merely means we have further information on what to expect and how to deal with this person. It is at this point that we can make the decision whether to try and make adjustments in our relationship with this individual or just not allow this type of behavior in our lives to upset our energy levels and peace of mind. Either way, it is a win-win situation because the choice is ours!
Blessings to you All,
Dixie