Training them wrong.....
At first, it's wonderful, the contacts are regular, they are consistent and if not consistent there is a plausible explaination for the let down or changes of plan. And it's all good, both are making efforts and HEY this could be something here....
And we are so excited, we start doing too much, calling when they do not call us first, being available all the time and ANY time they call, and going above and beyond to contribute to the relationship. We being doing more than they are and gradually they get used to our hard work, and hey this works, he/she is doing more so I do not have to make that effort. And so being overwhelmed by our efforts, they may pull back to take a breath and what happens then? We PUSH forward, and call more, DO more, and they pull back more because they wanted the space for that cross roads, do we take it to the next level or not?
They tell us they want a break, and we TRY but are terrified that they will end it, so we push and push and are reactive to any comments and are pushing for the answers to what now and what is our future? And then they end up not getting the space they wanted because we are fearful we will lose this wonderful thing. But we cannot lose something we do not have. And pushing when we come to a cross roads is a sure fire way to lose any good potential relationship.
And during that time when they are looking for that space, we cannot, and should work ourselves up into that vacuum of emotion, where we involve them in our drama. Otherwise we are training them that we are desperate, and no one wants a desperate person, it sucks energy and it is NOT pleasant to be around. SO hold off calling and allow them the time to come forward by themselves rather than holding them hostage to our drama.... And learn to control your emotions rather than allowing them to control you.
If we expect people to respect us and our boundraies, we need to respect theirs and if they want space, hard as it might be, give it to them. As the old saying goes, *If you love something, Let it go, If it comes back to you, It is yours, If it does not, It never was*. SO hard to do and yet so easy to say....
Being stretched beyond our emotional comfort zones is really a karmic thing and it is the only way that we learn those hard lessons relationship wise.
Joan