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Boundaries

How to keep healthy boundaries in your relationships

Why worry and think so much about
what another person is thinking or feeling about us when the only thing that matters in the LONG TERM is what they DO about it...
If someone thinks that we are going to put up with the elastic band relationship and make it somewhat easy when they DO come back around...where is their motivation to work hard at it?
The hardest part of a break up or pull back is NOT when they are away from us.....it is on the approach BACK to us that counts.
Because IF we want to do it different THIS time around we cannot allow them back unless we RE-negotiate the relationship at that point otherwise, you will be in the same boat weeks or months down the line....and do you really want that?
If we do not say what we mean or mean what we say we are only going to get more of the same. The one thing we really need from our partner is to be taken at our word, there is no point in yelling and screaming at a person and then showing them by our behavior that we did not mean what we said. We can tell them we want more and if they pull away we need to SHOW them we mean that by NOT contacting them and NOT avoiding their call when they DO call us...
We have to TALK to them, ask them did they think about what they might want in the relationship, and this type of talk does NOT mean they have to be ready for the relationship to move ahead.....it just means they need to be open to it so that we know that we are NOT wasting our time because we are too afraid to state clearly what our expectations are in the relationship.
Knowing what you want, knowing what you deal breakers are, are MOST important as well as not being wiling to compromise certain things you need in a relationship because of fear....


Joan

Published Sunday, December 13, 2009 10:59 AM by DruidsGlenTarot

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Comments

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Friday, December 11, 2009 12:26 PM

Hi Joan,
Your blogs this week have been truly amazing, insightful, smart, and of course all about me hahahaha *sigh*. Thank you so much.

Fiore

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Friday, December 11, 2009 3:38 PM

You outdid yourself with this blog Joan!  I have had so many calls asking "what is he doing right now" and "what is he thinking about me" that my wee brain is in a fog it seems.  I love the insight of this blog and I wish everyone would practice the principles you have laid out when it comes to a relationship.  When there has been a breakup and a reunification then it stands to reason you MUST set some boundaries and guidelines if things are going to improve.  Great job as usual Joan and keep enlightening all of us!

Rosie

Rosalea

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Sunday, December 13, 2009 7:57 AM

The one thing I have learned and mostly the hard way is if we meet all of their needs as in time spent with us, emotional and physical needs their motivtion starts to fade or disapear. And things rarely just change, people need to be motivted in order to change, and we do not have the power to change anyone except ourselves, and that in turn has the power to change others if they have the motivation.... In otherwards they change or walk away, and at least then we KNOW.....
Joan

DruidsGlenTarot

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Sunday, December 13, 2009 9:43 AM

DEAR JOAN,
I LOVE THIS POST I THINK ITS BRILLIANT.  I JUST NEED YOU TO CLARIFY 1 THING 4 ME PLEASE. When you say in the comment above "If all their needs are met their moivation starts to fade" ..I dont really think I understand that point. Are you suggesting that we play a 'game' of sorts..As in, Not let them have all their needs met till they agree to the new conditions we have for them? And if so, that does make sense but then when do we stop withholding givin them all they want? I hope you know im not trying to be difficult but rather really learn from you and grasp this concepts meaning
Thank you
SILVANA

PSYCHIC SILVANA FILLMORE

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Sunday, December 13, 2009 9:53 AM

I have never been a fan of game playing. I am saying that IF a person's needs are met, and they are getting what *THEY* need from the relationship they are unlikely to move it forward. Not taking their calls will NOT work. But being HONEST should work. Most people are afraid to talk about their needs because they fear the reaction of the other person. You might not get what you want, but you have to take the risk to try. We mostly only meet the needs of others based upon our perception of the relationship, in other words we are a couple, we are moving towards something TOGETHER. BUT some of the time they ONLY give us that and NO more.... Because THEY are now happy with what IS as opposed to what was promised....it is times like that I am talking about as in established relationships. That both have invested time and effort into.

Joan

DruidsGlenTarot

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Sunday, December 13, 2009 10:40 AM

I absolutely agree about NOT PLAYING GAMES EVER. But Joan, If everyones' needs are being met, then why on earth would they jeopardise the relationship and risk losing their partner? thats the part I dont get here. You see, peoples' needs are a VARIABLE factor. Sometimes they can be met for a period of time and sometimes they change, So MY QUESTION IS: WHAT DO WE GAIN BY WITHHOLDING FULFILLING SOMEONES WE LOVES' NEEDS EVER? IT HAS NEVER WORKED FOR ME TO BE CRUEL TO GET WHAT I WANT. As a matter of fact, ITS ALWAYS BEEN THE OPPOSITE IN LOVE AS WEL AS FRIENDSHIPS. When my husband and I met, It was the fact that Yes, we sat down and openly discussed what we both want to gain from the relationship, But more importantly, It was the fact that I fulfilled all his needs that made him propose to me on our 3rd date! So why on earth play games? Is'nt life too short? Dont we owe it to ourselves and anyone in our lives to be as good to ourselves and them as possible?
BOTTOM LINE: As the saying goes: "People dont remember what you said or did, But they will never forget the way you made them feel"
So I choose to continue to give 100% of me at all times, Or not give at all.
It would be very nice if all mankind were predictable but as we all know each individual and each relationship is unique, what works for some, May not work for others.

PSYCHIC SILVANA FILLMORE

# re: Why worry and think so much about @ Sunday, December 13, 2009 11:17 AM

If BOTH peoples needs are being met there is NO problem and people would NOT be calling for a reading or guidance then. What I was discussig was if only ONE persons needs are being met and the others are not being met as in a married man NOT leaving his wife because he has YOU and his wife...We gain a lot by being HONEST, and we gain a lot by keeping healthy boundaries in our relationships. There is NO need for cruelty, I do not recommend it. But if a man/woman promised to leave their signifigant other, and yet does not do so over a long period of time because what they are doing is working for them and it is not working for you and time goes by, what are YOU gaining by this? And OBVIOUSLY what works for some will NOT work for others.
Like I said, game playing does not work. And for the most part people are with you because of how you make them feel but if a person thinks you will put up with crumbs that is ALL you WILL get from them if YOU have taught them that is enough for you regardless of what you say. Saying what you want and MAKING them understand that you MEAN it are key in ANY relationship whether there IS another person involved or not. Lfe is WAY too short to play games! And we owe it to ourselves AND other to say what we MEAN and MEAN what we SAY!!
Joan

DruidsGlenTarot

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