Ask A Witch: Elenar in Dallas, TX
Dear Alexandra,
Okay, before I can explain the "problem, I need to give some background. About a year and a half ago I met this guy, I'll call him Mike, through an email list we were both on. We soon became good friends. He was living in Japan at the time and had recently met online a girl in the states. Eventually, he moved back to the states and they got engaged. Last summer we lost contact; they moved and didn't have immediate access to a computer. Then, just after new years, I heard from him again, his fiancee had broken up with him and moved back home and he was understandably broken-hearted and really depressed. I helped him through it as best I could. We talked a lot and eventually he admitted to liking me a lot. The feeling was and is mutual. Somehow I've managed to fall in love with him and now he's talking about forever and I suspect that once we've actually met that he'll ask me to marry him.
Problem is, I don't think I can. For one thing, I don't want to make any promises I don't know I can keep, and I don't know that I could stay with him forever; I'm just not a "forever" sort of girl. For another thing, he's got some very complicated emotional issues (he's got social anxiety disorder) that he refuses to seek help for (says he wants to deal with them himself, but I don't know that he can) and that I'm not sure I can deal with. Part of me says I should break it off now and part of me says that my reasons are completely selfish and I should stick with it. I'm also worried about how he'd take it if I broke up with him and I don't want to be responsible for breaking his heart.
Elenar in Dallas, TX
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Dear Elenar,
It is good that you are being realistic and honest with yourself about marriage. Marriage, in this case, is not a good idea. You must be honest with him and tell him that you are not planning to be with him forever. Once this is clear, the two of you can decide whether or not it is worth it to continue the relationship. He may think that he doesn't want to stay with somebody that he will not end up marrying, or he may decide to enjoy something while it lasts. The point is that he must be fully informed to decide. Don't let yourself be consumed by your own assessment of how he will feel. Let him evaluate his own emotions and you can go ahead and look after your own in the "selfish" way.
Light!
Alexandra
17 Dec 2002
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