We hear the "pat" answers all the time. "If he loved me he would do this" (or that). "They are just not that into you". Nice and simple, cut and dry. Dr Phil, Oprah or whatever current "love guru" that is getting the air time at any given moment often throw around such broad sweeping statements. A nation of individuals adopts such "wisdoms" as if they were handed down from God. Nice little "in a nutshell" answers to the relationship dillemas we face.
Wouldn't it be nice if life and love were that simple. Human subject falls in love and will suddenly, magically become a giving, attentive, caring, nurturing, and skilled perfect partner. Put on your glass slippers and dance on into the happily ever after. Wouldn't it be nice.
Reality? Love is a complex emotion. An experienced emotional response to a connection with another individual. It doesn't instantly transform us into perfect partners nor bestow instant changes to our core personalities. It doesn't ensure our behavior will reflect our feelings or control our every thought or decision. It effects different people in different ways depending on who they already are. Selfish people fall in love every single day. Scared people fall in love. The wiseman and the fool both fall in love. The first is just better at it than the second will be. All types of individuals fall in love. While love may have some influence over our behavior (for good or ill), it doesn't dictate our actions. Thus people in love behave in ALL kinds of ways, sometimes without logic, without rhyme nor reason.
Except this: how any individual behaves when in love is a direct reflection on where they are in their growth process and their experential self awareness. If they are secure with who they are they are likely to handle love confidently and without fear. If they are givers by nature, they will be generous with their love. If they are selfish, they will be stingy. If they are challenged with fear, they will love fearfully. And so on. How they love and who they are will determine their reactions and their behaviors.
When we have an expectation of certain behaviors that are based on assumption, disappointment is inevitable. Look instead to the nature of the individual for insight into behavior. Ideally, one should understand the dynamics of an individual BEFORE investing emotionally. Unfortunately we instead often choose to only see what we want to see until it is too late. Then the choice is to either adjust expectations or be consistently disappointed. Oh you can TRY to change them to fit your expectations, but no one changes another, we can only change ourselves. Some will change but this takes a process of growth and such usually comes slowly...often long after you have burned out and moved on. Some will never change.
If you are already invested in someone who is not giving you the love you need, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. That being said, this doesn't make your experience any easier. Advice: seek insight, reassess (with your feelings aside) the core character of this individual and whether they are worth continued emotional investment. Of course how you feel will be part of the equation, but that should be figured in AFTER you have taken a long hard look at the person they are. Then decide whether to stick with it or move on. Is this individual worth waiting on? Do not base the answer to this solely on whether or not he loves you either. He may love you to the ends of the earth, that doesn't mean he is presenently capable of instantly (or even eventually) developing good partnership skills. If you do stick with it, it would be wise to adjust your expectations to a level they can reasonably meet. Keep in mind too, that they way they behave in love has very little to do with you and who you are. It has everything to do with them and who they are.
For those who are not presently invested in someone but looking to do so, here is some sound advice. Know your subject before investing. Look BEFORE you leap in, heart in hand.
Find out who this person is, what they believe, what they want, the person they are and the person they are striving to be. How do they treat you before involvement? How do they treat others? Do your homework before you invest yourself. AND....slow down. There is no kitchen timer ticking away that says you have to jump into a relationship or intimacy until you know this person....really know them. If a person is pressuring for you to move forward before you have had time to know them intimately as a human being, move on. This is a red flag that screams "selfish jerk". Sure, he may fall in love with you (or not) but even if he does he will still be a selfish jerk until he learns better...IF he learns better. This is not an ideal candidate for a healthy partnership at this point in his growth process....if ever in this life. Unless you are looking for a selfish partner, move on. Set your pace, your terms for involvement. Don't just throw your heart out there unless you see the makings of a good partner who wants the same things that you do and wants them with you. Investigate them carefully. Any successful financial investor thoroughly investigates before investing their money. Is not your heart even more precious? Invest wisely in something worthy in fact, not in fantasy.