In my readings and Relationship/Life Coaching experience I often encounter situations where clients have considered or are considering the issuing of an ultimatum. I find that very few people really understand what this dynamic brings to the table. Many consider ultimatums (like most things) to be something that requires a “blanket”  value judgment. Many consider them a "bad" or negative thing. Yet, in reality, they are simply a tool and like any tool can be used either for good or ill.

In my observations ultimatums have a bad rap. Just the word “ultimatum” brings to mind images of controlling, threatening authority figures reigning over one’s will. The word often leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth in our current, very “PC” society. Yet, an ultimatum is really a simple statement of intended cause and effect involving a free will choice with consequences stated. A stand that is made offering a choice with a stated outcome dependent upon the choice made. “Either you do (or don’t) do this, or I will do (or not) do that.”Simple statement of choice dependent, cause and effect. Not either a bad thing nor a good thing, just a thing. Life IS about choices after all. It can also be a way of setting down and defending one’s boundaries. Every relationship needs certain boundaries to work effectively. Not every boundary needs an ultimatum, however…..most should not.

The problem I often see with ultimatums is that we issue them before we are ready to deal with the consequences that we assign to them. We don’t consider carefully the cause and effect we are proposing. We issue them in anger or in frustration….which is rarely (if ever) a time when we have clarity or wisdom. Ultimatums are a powerful thing. The “tactical nuke” in any power struggle. Something to only be used sparingly and only with careful consideration. If used too frequently they will destroy the climate of our relationship. If used without careful consideration AND full commitment, they can do far more damage than good. Ultimatums should only be issued when ALL other tactics (methods) have been tried and have failed. Only when an issue cannot be resolved thru communication, diplomacy and compromise.

An ultimatum should always be something that reflects our authenticity. When it does, it is not only effective, it is honorable. This is because when it is issued with clarity, wisdom and authenticity it not a threat, it is a final warning of an inevitable consequence. For example: If we are at a point where we are fully ready to move on if we get no commitment, then issuing (and following thru with) an ultimatum that reflects such, is simply a “giving of notice of intent” under specific conditions…..a wake up call.

Before you voice an ultimatum, THIS should be something we ask ourselves. Is this intention (consequence) a reflection of where I am and where I will be going/what I will be doing in the event the exact stated terms are not met at this time? If so, then this becomes not a weapon, but a warning, a foretelling of options and outcomes under specific conditions.

Ultimatums must be used only when necessary and only with wisdom. If not, we disempower ourselves, undermine our cause and damage our relationships. Never issue an ultimatum unless you are ready and fully committed to living with the consequences. Used too often or used without full commitment and you will burn out this tool and your credibility. If you demand commitment at threat of leaving and then back down, you will have a harder fight ahead of you to get that commitment…..and any future ultimatum will likely not work once you lose credibility to back one up…..at best it will require a hard fight and unbending resolve to regain credibility.

Remember too that most ultimatums WILL likely be initially met with resistance, so be prepared to dig in for a time. Many will withdraw/retreat either to process and consider the terms or as a tactic to counter the terms/ultimatum (Aloof Control Drama). Possibly for a long, long time. Ultimatums rarely win us instant gratification. Be prepared to step back and to move forward without them. They will need time to process the info, and often they will need to have a taste of the consequences of resistance before they will understand that the resistance is not serving them. Unless you give a timeframe for them to make the choice, do not hesitate to move forward with your stated intention. If they exceed that timeframe also move immediately forward then. If they know you are waiting, they will not have any motivation to face the issue. They will know they can take their time and thus your wait for resolution will be even longer.

Even then, when they initially move toward you, your terms will often be met with negotiation for new terms. Or they may come back offering nothing new except their return and expect you to settle for them being back. Some may initially reach out to test the waters or dangle a carrot to draw you back in on their terms (which may be even less than you had before the ultimatum was issued)….some will threaten to withdraw permanently, some will follow thru with such, others will not.  If you negotiate and/or settle for less, then less is what you will get and credibility will be damaged or lost. If you are willing to negotiate for less, then don’t issue an ultimatum for more in the first place OR make your stated intended consequence less than the “ultimate” consequence possible. Just negotiate and “save” the ultimatum for when you need it later….when you are truly at that point where it is absolutely a necessary last resort.

Pick your battles carefully too. If you are seeking an impossible choice be made, you will likely be disappointed. Also, if you go to extremes on consequences, ultimatums WILL backfire. Too many “either show up this weekend or I will leave you” and you will be called on it eventually. Make your consequence fit your request and don’t issue ultimatums for the “small stuff” or they won’t work for the important stuff.

Ultimatums also must be timed "right" to be most effective. Logic can be a useful tool for this as well as objective insight into the current relationship dynamics and underlying factors that may influence the outcome. An ill-timed ultimatum can produce devastaing results. Know your relationship climate well and consider it's influence before you "drop the bomb" or you may have catastrophic results.

Ideally, you will never have to issue an ultimatum. If you do, however, always temper such with wisdom, clarity and unbending intention or they will become something you will likely regret.

Blessings!!!

Faeren