Popular wisdom tells us that if you do something nice for someone else, that person will be grateful. Right? Wrong! A very common response to charity is not gratitude but resentment.

 

Time and again I receive calls from people bewildered by the fact that their acts of kindness have not resulted in a happy ending. A friendship has imploded or a relationship has broken down. The giver is left feeling hurt and angry because their kindness has not been appreciated. What has gone wrong?

 

The receiver has interpreted the gift as an act of superiority. They resent being down on their luck. They resent it that others are better off than they are. Essentially, they have a chip on their shoulder and a gripe with the world, and the giver is the one who cops all this accumulated resentment.

 

What are the warning signs that a relationship might go down this dark path?

 

  1. The receiver is slow to thank the giver. Perhaps they never express thanks at all. They give little or nothing back by word or deed.
  2. The receiver drops hints that they think the giver can easily afford what they have given.
  3. The receiver starts asking for more, either directly or indirectly.
  4. The receiver breaks promises and denies responsibility for so doing.
  5. The receiver takes things that weren’t offered.

 

If you observe any of these signs, the answer is NOT to give more. That will only make the situation worse. The taker is a bottomless pit that can never be filled. Their level of emotional and spiritual maturity is such that appreciation is beyond their ability. You may be able to correct the situation by ceasing your efforts to improve their lot, but realistically, it might be better to reassess the whole relationship, which is badly out of balance. Sad, but true, unfortunately.