When a man kidnaps a woman and holds her prisoner it makes headlines. When a man hits his partner to keep her passive within a bad relationship it is also easy to recognize, and we have a lot of mechanisms to help such women. But there is another form of entrapment that is equally damaging which goes largely unrecognized. Even the victims themselves don’t usually recognize that they are being trapped. Men are imprisoned this way as well as women. It’s an “equal opportunity” form of relationship abuse. Let me explain.

 

I have a friend who for the sake of anonymity I’ll call Mary. A few years ago Mary was in a bad place. After a relationship breakup she had allowed her weight to spiral out of control and was feeling very bad about herself. She decided she was going to do something about it, and after a dedicated program of weight loss, a wardrobe revamp and a new haircut was starting to feel pretty good about her life again. Then she met “Fred.”

 

On the face of it, Fred was good for her. He gave her lots of messages that he loved her just the way she was, with the result that she regained everything that she had lost and then some. Within a few months of meeting him she was diagnosed with diabetes and warned that her health was at risk. Fred continued to pile the table with fried foods, pizza and cakes. He continued to give this very insecure woman the message that he loved her just the way she was. She was always a big woman. With his encouragement she became morbidly obese.

 

Fred managed to isolate Mary from her friends and family. In very subtle ways he alienated them one at a time, the classic pattern of the abuser. He never worked from the day he met her. He made every excuse under the sun for being unemployed, excuses that Mary dutifully parroted to those who still kept contact, but the truth was that he turned down work behind her back. Several of her friends founds him jobs that he managed to sabotage. It wasn’t long before he encouraged her to move to another state, away from her entire support network. By this time next year under state property laws he will be entitled to half of everything she owns.

 

People like Fred are known as “feeders.” They trap their victims within their own bodies. Mary’s self esteem was already low, but with her increased weight it is now at rock bottom. She is convinced that Fred loves her (and that no one else possibly could) and is blind to what is really happening. No one can rescue her, because she is not ready to admit that she is being held prisoner by her own weight. Needless to say, people like Fred also have low self esteem. They keep their “loved ones” prisoner so they can’t walk away.

 

There is a whole sub culture devoted to this practice, trying to legitimize it and make it seem socially acceptable. Overweight people want to feel accepted so they are easy targets.

 

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/04/01/1080544619397.html

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/Weight_Room/

 

What can you do if you know someone who is being victimized like this? Sadly, not a lot. All you can really do is refuse to be pushed away by the abuser and to be there to help pick up the pieces when the relationship eventually falls apart. In Mary’s case, there are going to be a lot of pieces to pick up. He is ruining her financially, and her health is already precarious. Her career has also gone as she is now too big to work.

 

I would like to see a lot more publicity about this sort of abuse. That way, there is a greatly increased chance that people like Mary might start questioning the dynamics of their relationship before they pay the ultimate price for “love.”