I often get calls from people puzzled when someone has lashed out at them when it would have made more sense for them to have apologized, backed down or made some other more appropriate response to whatever set them off. Why did they do that?

 

Our emotions are very complex. It is often very hard to get to the bottom of what we are really feeling and why. Anger is the easiest emotion to access when we are confused, frustrated, afraid, and insecure or any other of the huge spectrum of negative emotions that plague us. In our hurt and pain people lash out, and at the time it feels very satisfying. Like alcohol or drugs, anger is highly addictive. It generates a rush of adrenaline which is temporarily very satisfying. It feeds something in our brains that we crave when we go on an anger high.

 

When people lash out at others they gain temporary satisfaction by spreading their poisonous feelings around. Yes, adrenaline is a poison, just like the toxic chemical components in alcohol and drugs that ultimately destroy us. But just as the drunk wakes up with a hangover, the anger-holic usually lives to regret what they said or did in the heat of the moment. Regret generates a whole new wave of negative emotions, including shame, guilt and self justification, and the cycle often begins all over again.

 

Human beings can’t help being angry. It is part of our “fight or flight” survival mechanism. But we can be selective about how we channel our anger. A brisk walk or a frenzy of cleaning dissipates the rage harmlessly. Feeding it simply builds it up and up and up. Faced with an angry person, don’t feed it. Back away, let them calm down, and tackle the problem later. When people are angry they quite literally stop listening. It is not “giving in”. It is the only commonsense thing to do.

 

Yes, they are being “irrational.” But they can’t help their reaction. It is instinctive. If their instinct says “fight!” while yours is saying “flight!” they can no more stop their natural response than you can. What they can learn is to stop acting on that impulse, but that takes time, which is what Anger Management courses are all about. Just don’t suggest one while they are still angry!