Communicating Your Love

 

Different people express love in different ways. Some people are verbal, expressing their love in words. Others may never speak their affection, yet they show it by the things that they do. Sadly, many couples look to receive love the same way they give it, misunderstanding their partner’s love messages. This can lead to quarrels, hurt feelings, and even divorce. However, if you understand each other's love languages, you can learn to give and receive love more effectively.


So often in our relationships our "cups" become empty from meeting the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of others. There is little time and space for self, let alone the time, energy and creativity needed to nurture our relationship with our partner. 'Who takes care of the caregiver?' Focus on our primary relationship is in fact a vital source of soul food to fill us up again. We have high expectations of ourselves and it is impossible to keep giving when we are emotionally dry and empty. Every­thing becomes over­whelming; it's all too hard.


One way of provid­ing nurture to encourage the growth of our love relationships is to increase our awareness of our love languages. Our experiences of love as children form in us the particular way that we give and receive love. Our basic modes are: Words of Encouragement; Quality Time; Acts of Service; Touch; and Gift Giving.

To identify our own primary love language we need to ask our­selves: What makes me feel really loved and cherished? When I want to share my love with someone what do I most enjoy doing? What is it that I wish my partner would do for me to make me feel loved? Once we have identified what fills us up we can focus in on the love language of our partner. Often we find that couples do not speak the same language, so we may need to teach each other a new language and appreciate the needs of each other. Here is a story to illustrate the point.


”I often used say to my husband, 'I wish you would just spend some time with me, I wish you would turn off the TV and talk to me…We never go dancing, bike riding or things I want to do...’ My love language is quality time. My husband vacuums the floors every night; he used to wash my car (before I complained bitterly that is). He cooks special meals for me - his love language is acts of service.


”It hit us like a bolt of lightning when we realized the fact that we had been speaking different love languages, and so often in the process we have missed each other completely and have unwittingly hurt each other - no wonder we were both running dry - we were not meeting each others needs. We were draining each other and our three children were certainly taking all our precious reserves.


”After our third child came along I let my husband down by thinking, ‘He’s a big boy and can look after himself.’ I stopped ironing his work clothes, as friends and family said, "You're crazy! Let him do his own ironing, you have enough to do.” I stopped helping to prepare his lunches, the offers of a cup of tea were sparse, serving up the evening meal was a trial. In essence, what I was doing was taking away the very things that made him feel loved and cherished and filled up emotionally. On the other hand how could I give even another drop when I had run dry? I had been running on empty for quite some time because I was starved for quality time.

 

“Needless to say things have improved since then at our place. We are learning the nuances of each other’s love language and have been growing steadily in our love life, one step at a time. I have found that performing acts of service for my husband is becoming more natural for me now, and is actually enjoyable. And when my husband washes the kitchen floor, instead of snapping, ‘For crying out loud why don’t you spend that time with me? The floor will be dirty again tomorrow!’ I realize that it is his way of showing me that he loves me. I have also been working with the love languages of our children; one is quality time, for sure. One is touch, I believe, and our two year old wants it all right now! A smattering of all five languages is worth using, for their needs will surely be met.

 

A couple of questions to leave you with: What is my primary love language and what language does my partner speak? Can we meet each other’s deepest need for love by tuning into each other’s love language? Have fun learning!