Ever had this happen? You are at a party. You glance across the room and see your Beloved talking to someone of the opposite sex. You feel your eyes turn green, and fangs and claws start sprouting in place of teeth and nails. Or how about this? You receive a phone call from a former partner and look up to see your Beloved frothing at the mouth. Then read on …

 

The first thing to remember about jealousy is that it is an emotion. This means that it is not under conscious control. When jealousy wells up it is irrational by its very nature. Ask any person who has experienced it. It’s not a comfortable emotion. It’s not something anyone would deliberately seek to experience. The jealous person is the first to admit that they would prefer not to be jealous, as under its influence they do and say things they later regret. So why does it happen?

 

The source of jealousy is insecurity – it comes from fears of various sorts. The more one is in love, the more vulnerable one feels. If an insecure person is deeply in love, it inevitably opens the door to the Green Eyed Monster. Someone who has never been jealous finds it hard to understand why others feel this way. This often makes matters worse because they then try to rationalize away their Beloved’s fears. Their partner then feels even more insecure because it is clear that they are not being understood. What to do?

 

This is where “emotional intelligence” comes in. Although our feelings are real in that they belong to us, they are also unreal, in the sense that they do not reflect external reality. Denying a feeling never works. The best response is to acknowledge it, own it, but choose not to act on it. It takes a lot of practice. It’s not easy. But since fear is the opposite of love, allowing it to take up residence within an otherwise happy relationship will ultimately destroy it.

 

Before jealousy gets out of hand, it needs to be discussed. Sometimes seeing a good counselor is helpful. Sometimes it can be resolved with the help of an understanding partner. In my own relationship, my husband and I have worked out a formula that has been a winner. We both have occasional visits from The Green Eyed Monster. So we have an agreement that either party has the right at any time to say the words “Threat Value.”

 

This means that another person or situation is causing fangs and claws to start sprouting. Instead of responding with “don’t be silly” or “you’ve got to be kidding!” the other spouse just says “OK” and backs off. We don’t have to justify our irrational emotions, we just acknowledge and respect each other’s feelings. The interesting thing is that just knowing that those two words can be said has helped to cut the Monster down to size. The Incredible Hulk of Jealousy no longer wrecks havoc within our marriage and we both feel better about ourselves as a result.