The writers of self help books have a lot to answer for. At a time when society has fewer rules and more uncertainty than ever before, they give the impression that if you just follow the simple steps they provide, then happiness will surely follow.

 

We WANT to believe that. It would make life a lot simpler if it were true. But the truth is that One Size Does Not Fit All. Time and again I see relationships with a potentially great future ruined because one party does not follow these imaginary “rules.”

 

Callers tell me that their partner “should” do this or “shouldn’t” do that. According to whom? It usually turns out that the person concerned is relying upon some outsider’s definition of how people “should” behave in a relationship, without any consideration for the fact that everyone is different and will behave accordingly.

 

Will a shy person behave the same way as a confident one? Of course not! Expecting a shy person to be the initiator is asking for trouble. Will an indecisive person reach a decision as quickly as a decisive one? No, they won’t. But just because they are not in a rush doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

 

Self help books can give us some useful guidelines, but they are only generalities and will never apply to every situation. Their advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt, and a healthy respect for the complexity of the personalities involved.