When a Pet Dies

 

 

As a society, we do not deal well with death. It is a life transition that is marginalized and largely unacknowledged. In fact, in some respects we seem to have come full circle. Our Victorian ancestors were uncomfortable with sexual issues but took death in their stride. These days we are bombarded with sexual imagery at every turn, but mention the D word and people start to look away and change the topic.

 

            If we do not deal well with the death of humans, we deal with the death of animals even more badly. The person who would not be so crass as to suggest to the recent widow or the recently bereaved parent that they simply “get a new one” sometimes has no hesitation in saying exactly that to one who has lost a beloved pet. The underlying assumption is that animals are fungible – like ballpoint pens they are easily replaced by one exactly the same.

 

            The pet owner knows that this is not the case. Pets are as individual as people, and deserve to be grieved for every bit as much. But when a pet dies, because of the way much of society fails to acknowledge the sacredness of life in general, pet owners often have to look after their own needs in their grieving.

 

            The process starts long before the actual demise of the pet. Because of the difference in the life cycles of humans and animals, humans invariably outlive their animal companions. So there is a need to choose wisely when selecting the vet to whom you take your special friend. Get a feel for whether or not they are empathetic towards the link between you and your animal. If they seem to see their profession as meal ticket, and your visits as a means of paying for their next holiday in Club Med, then start shopping round for a new vet!

 

            It is also helpful to be proactive – to think ahead. Clarify your thoughts regarding euthanasia, as opposed to prolonging the life of your pet. It is much easier to make such important decisions when you have already thought about them and have an established frame of reference, than when faced with a sudden illness or accident, and having to make an on the spot decision.

 

            It is helpful to have a first aid cabinet containing Rescue Remedy, Lavender Oil and Cyprus Oil. Rescue Remedy helps to deal with shock, stress and trauma. Cyprus Oil eases the pain of loss, and together with Lavender Oil, helps to heal emotional pain.

 

            When the inevitable happens, and a pet dies, then it is time for more specific self-help measures.  The first and most important step is to give yourself permission to grieve without feeling that you are strange or unnatural. If others are uncomfortable with your sadness, that is their issue, not yours. It is their fear of death and their reluctance to look it in the face that is the problem. Do not allow anyone to make you feel that you are in any way odd or peculiar.

 

            Allow yourself as much time as you need for the grieving process. There is no magical formula here. Traditionally people used to see a year as the “correct” period for mourning, so mentally allow yourself at least as much time as this, and more if you need it. This will take the pressure off you regarding expectations of “getting over it” and paradoxically will help facilitate rather than prolong the process.

 

            There is also an underlying assumption that “getting over” the death of a pet means eventually forgetting all about them. This is far from being the case. There will always be times when you will think about your dead animal friend and experience a fleeting sense of grief and loss. This too is normal. It is only if your grief is prolonged and overwhelming for a very long period of time that professional help might need to be considered. Again, the person who expects you to forget about your pet altogether is thinking about their own discomfort, not yours.

 

            Other self help measures include talking about or writing about your pet. Other pet owners are more likely to be sympathetic to your needs than non pet owners, but again, they may be uncomfortable with the reminder that their own pet is also mortal, so you need to choose your confidant wisely. This is where writing can be help. You could write down little stories and memoirs, make a photo collage, or perhaps write a poem or letter to your dead friend. Addressing St Francis on behalf of your pet can also be comforting.

 

            When you feel that you are nearing recovery, consider planning a small ceremony to release and let go of your pet. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to love and be loved by another pet if you would like one, but be firm with people who pressure you to do this before you are ready to. Insist that they respect your wishes if you decide never to have another pet again. However, keep an open mind – pets sometimes decide to adopt you regardless of whether or not you think you are “ready”! For the sake of your dead friend, be prepared to open your home and your heart to another animal – remembering the possibility that it may even be your previous friend reincarnating around you for another round of companionship and joy.