Dear Grandma,

Why do we get so bogged down in what other people see in us and say about us and how they treat us that we forget who we are and we begin to believe that we are not good enough to have all the things that we deserve to have as one of God's beloved children?

Thank you, Bogged

Dear Bogged,

I think the main reason is that we CARE, possibly too much. We want to do things to please others and in doing so forget about pleasing ourselves. We lose focus on what we want out of life. We want people to like us because we like people.

It is an awful thing to say, but I have found over the years that alot of people are basically cruel starting with childhood. The bullys pick on those they feel are weak or different. They get enjoyment out of hurting people.  They will never get bogged down because they don't care about others except for their own enjoyment or amusement.

Alot of the "successful" people in the business world will never get bogged down because they are often ruthless. They don't care what others think or feel, just use them to line their own pockets. They can't afford to let what people think about them bother them.

I think it is the caring people that find this happening to them the most.

You have to find some balance between caring and caring too much. Don't lose yourself in others problems, keep an objective outlook at all times. Help, but don't let them overwhelm you to where you ignore your own problems. Give yourself the same care and love that you bestow on others. If you don't love yourself or respect yourself you can't expect anyone else to.

A good example of getting bogged down and loosing your identity is in a relationship. The person cared about you, because you were you. You showed him a person he admired. As you feel him pulling away, you do more to please him forgetting about your own pleasure. When he says jump you say how high?  Pretty soon you are not you any more but a mirror of what you think he wants, which isn't generally the case. You have lost your own identity and the very thing that attracted him to you to begin with. It happens every day.

How do you stop it? You start by being you, caring about you and what you enjoy and like. Not on a selfish level but just everyday things. Take time to enjoy at least one thing each day that means alot to you. Let him join you. If he doesn't want to, say " see you later, after I finish doing this what would you like to do?"  Do things to please yourself. If you please yourself it will please those that like you.

There is a happy medium. Be caring of others and always sensitive to their feelings but care about yourself first. I think you will find that you can achieve the things you feel that you are loosing by being bogged down by their opinion if you focus more on your own wants and needs as well as theirs. But YOU first.

Big grandma hugs, GrandmaSage