Are YOU in an Abusive Relationship - and don't know it?
There's been so much on the talk show circuit about abuse lately, thanks to a famous couple that put it in the headlines. However, there are many forms of abuse to take a look at, not just physical; but emotional and mental. What constitutes abuse? Here is my list, and if your partner is demonstrating any signs of this, you need to either A) Talk about it, B) See a good therapist or C) Walk away from the relationship.
It would appear that many men have a built-in radar that zooms right in on women with a low self esteem. She OUTWARDLY may appear to be very balanced and educated, poised with confidence. Outward appearances are just that: outward. It's what is inside that counts - and this is where our energy stirs and emits those signals. To ME, this is why abusive men are attracted to a woman that does present herself as a successful great catch...only she really doesn't FEEL as if she's a successful great catch....
Mental/Emotional abuse:
1. Withholding. This is when he gets angry at you and clams up. Won't talk to you. This is especially difficult when he knows YOUR need to talk about it.
2. Running. Instead of talking to you, he storms out and goes away for a while. If you call, he won't take your call and he'll send your call to voice mail.
3. Setting you up to be "wrong". Regardless of what you try to do to "please" him, it isn't right. One day he will tell you this is the way he would like it, the next day it's changed - providing him with the opportunity to insist to you that "you just never listen".
4. He "expects" and doesn't "ask". Face it: you're not a mind reader. Does he expect that when he puts his laundry basket out that you will do laundry? Does he expect when he says he's hungry you will jump up and prepare him dinner while he lays on the couch watching Jerry Springer? Does he expect to have sex because HE is in the mood, regardless if you're not feeling like it? (I'm including the "Expectation" factor is in this list because it is a method of control, and not a shared partnership).
5. Degrading. He continually finds things to put you down with and degrade you. Example: the clothes are folded right; you don't clean things very well, etc. etc. The point is that you're doing these things, and he isn't. In a situation where you're not living with your partner, he may tell you your hair isn't fixed right, or point out a small stain on your clothes that you never noticed. It's being picky - and the pickings are aimed at you.
6. It's all about YOU. In moments of frustration and wondering why you two are not getting along, he will let you know that it's YOUR fault because you don't listen (to what he says) or you don't do things right (his way).
Effectively, yes- the two of you can work through this without creating a gigantic war between the roses. You first need to remember who you are, and that no one has the right to be so critical of you. Criticism is GOOD sometimes, but it has to be a two-way street. If you find that you're being "punished" for extremely small things, then re-think the relationship and why you are in it.
That said, remember you have choices. You can TRY to talk it through in an adult way - after all, you are both adults. If you can't find the appropriate words and all that spills out is resentment and anger, find a therapist. As a last resort, leave the relationship.
Physical abuse obviously is NOT a good thing. Scars heal, and women especially have the ability to minimize the trauma. To ME, emotional/mental abuse is by far worse, as the woman starts to believe that she really is worthless and has nothing to contribute. The emotional pain takes a very long time to heal and redirect it to a more positive space.