The Angel's Loft

Case Study in Dating: Saying One Thing, Acting Another

With the permission of one of my long time callers, I am presenting this "case study" of an experience that we are both just baffled by. Baffled in the sense of "How can she be SO transparent???" I asked if my caller minded if I blogged about it, and was told "Please do! Maybe it will help someone!"
They met on an internet dating site. At the time, they hadn't physically met face to face, but he had been chatting with her both online and offline for some time. I was a bit dubious about her, but they met and he really liked her.

She is 'fresh' out of a divorce (it took her a year and  a half to start dating again). Her friends told her to calm down, relax, have fun. My caller just wanted to have fun with her, too, because they shared a lot of common interests. She invited him over to her house for dinner, and he came prepared with a nice bottle of wine, flowers (yes, chivilary still exists), and they had a wonderful evening. One thing led to another (I'll keep this G-rated and let you use your imagination)....

The email she sent following their evening was so full of guilt and fear. It was the "I'm so sorry and embarrassed, and please let's just be friends" type of email, and she felt the need to cancel their planned future date. He asked me about his response which was very light-hearted and a "sure, no problem" type of email. It was a very friendly email back to her, and I felt it would erase some of her issues with fear and guilt.

She responded to him requesting that they not cancel. So, they got together again. Talk about mixed signals! Oh my! She said "Yes" then she'd stop and say "no, I can't"...then, "Yes, and oh, help - No". The evening sounded like a broken traffic light without the yellow in between.

Of course another email followed from her "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" (fear, guilt once again). He's stunned...okay, he responds; no problem. He's ready to explore possibilities of a relationship, but not consciously looking for anyone to settle down with on a permanent basis. She writes to him that now he must think she's just nuts. (well, DUH).

Meanwhile, he's reconciled to the fact that she is just not ready to even casually date, let alone entertain the idea of seriously dating anyone. And what does she do? She sends an email telling him how "on fire she is" for him.

Ah ha! Just as I suspected. She really WANTS a serious relationship, but her fear that he doesn't want what she does is forcing her to say things that she feels that he wants to hear (ie: Let's just be good friends for now.... I don't want a serious relationship) when inside this is exactly what she DOES want.

Consequently, he's decided to just let the whole thing drop for now. Do you blame him? His brain feels like it's been through a championship ping-pong match, and he's a bit dizzy from the spinning.

Which brings me to this point: How honest are you with your dating? Are you saying one thing, yet acting another way? I'm not by any means suggesting that you go on a first or even a second date equipped with a list of what you're looking for and recite this to your date. Dating can be FUN. RELAX. Let things happen. Of course, initially, a little restraint does help keep things from getting , um, awkward if you will. (and I don't care how physically attracted you may be to the person).

Most everyone that is out there dating is looking for someone to share intimate details of  their life with, and in the long run I feel that this is what dating is about; discovering what the two of you have in common and what you both enjoy.

Make sure that you, yourself, are emotionally available without previous relationship residue still around you. This way, you don't play "ping pong" with someone's mind. If you're saying one thing, and acting another way it's a sure bet the person you're doing this to is going to say, "Next".