Alone… can you be alone?  Clear your mind and take a minute to think about that word and what it means to you.  Do you feel a sense of relief or freedom, are you fantasizing about what you’ll do first, what book you’ll read or how late you’ll stay in bed?  Or does the word alone make your chest tight, your heart beat faster and your palms sweat?

I talk to so many people out there who are afraid to be alone so they stay in unfulfilling or unhappy or even abusive relationships.  They are mistaking want for need.  These are women from all walks of life – those with big careers and great paychecks, those who work 9-5 and barely make ends meet and those who are stay at home moms… it doesn’t matter who you are, we all go through times (and relationships) where we find walking the line from want to need difficult.

Wanting someone is the positive side of the relationship – it’s the balance, you want them because they make you feel good in some way, they fulfill some desire you have, they make your knees weak… Need on the other hand is want gone bad – need is desperate, lonely and often times leaves you feeling empty when you can’t have him.  People in general can quickly pick up on your need… its instinctual; it’s put the person needed in a very powerful position.  They feel safe knowing that you are willing to tolerate almost anything in order to have them in your life.  The balance slips away from the relationship and now you are at the bottom of a hole trying to climb out.  You will never give enough, be enough, to please the person you need. 

Once you are in this kind of relationship it is a true struggle to fix it or get out.  ‘Love’ often becomes an addiction and we all know addicts often can’t find a way out of their suffocating addiction.  All hope isn’t lost though, if the person you need isn’t attempting to control you, isn’t using your need of them to their advantage in a malicious way you can find yourself on equal footing again through lots of talking, lots of sticking to your guns and a whole bunch of non-desperate love.  Find someone (a neutral 3rd party) to talk to who can help you understand codependence and boundaries and can help you understand how you can stop the cycle.  Find something creative to do with your time that doesn’t involve a) the person you need and b) any discussion/thought about the person you need.

If you are in a relationship where he insists on being needed by constantly trampling on your feelings, hurting you to ‘get even’ or threatens to leave you regularly in order to control you, ya gotta get out sister!  He probably thrives in codependent relationships and is probably prepared to fight any efforts you make to become his equal.  I know, you are laughing to yourself… um, yeah, I’ll just up and leave… I know it’s hard, impossible and you probably can’t imagine your life without him.  That is what he is hoping you won’t do – imagine your life without him because guess what, he knows what he is doing and he is just as desperate to lose you as you are to lose him.   Again, enlist the help of a support professional, if there is abuse involved or you feel like you can’t make it on your own reach out to your family, a women’s group (there are lots on the internet) so that you can start to make a plan to get out. 

If you find yourself in this kind of messy relationship give me a call, I'd be happy to talk to you about what you can do to make a change in your life - and don't worry I don't lecture and I'll just my intuitive gifts to help you make sense of it all.