So you've been with him for awhile - either casually or exclusively - and you happen to be on his computer (or just following some unknown instinct to snoop) and you come across a personal ad on a dating site.  What do you do?

I have been asked this question a multitude of times, so often in fact that I wonder if having a personal ad while in a relationship has become a way of life - keeping one's options open like you would with your career.  This action is not to be taken lightly - it is a clear message that he is waiting for 'something better' to come along or is looking to cheat.  The problem you now face is deciding what you want.  Do you want to be with him anyway or are you ready to go?  Either way you are going to have to confront him - calmly of course  - and talk about what you found. 

No matter what you decide to do prepare what you are going to say (I recommend this approach for every crucial conversation) so you come across in an articulate way and can't be as easily manipulated.  If you decide to go it is best to state the facts and end the conversation - if you have no intentions of staying and you feel strongly about that don't allow yourself to get sucked into a conversation.  If you want to stay with this person - life can be complicated at best - it's ok, you just have to spend some time working through your emotions and deciding what you need from this person to make the relationship work and to repair your trust.  Myself or another Keen advisor can help you navigate these waters and prepare for this conversation so you can express yourself in a way that slows the emotional roller-coaster down. 

Once you've decided what you need find a quiet time, without as many distractions as possible, and talk to them, openly, calmly, and express how you feel and ask why.  Find out why this happened and how you can work together to keep it from happening in the future.  Don't accept a flimsy excuse - you need to understand the root cause or this will happen again.  Be prepared, in most cases, if the person is honest, what they say will hurt.  Also make sure you let them know that you can only give them a single opportunity to redeem themselves, this isn't a conversation you are going to have in 6 months, a year or 5 years from now.  They also have to decide whether this relationship is going to work for them, for the long haul.  Make sure you are completely clear about your needs as well, sometimes we forget to state what we want because in emotional crisis we become caregivers even to those that have hurt us the most.

When these things happen in life or you suspect your significant other is cheating (or in this case attempting to cheat) give me a call, I'd be glad to help.  I offer 3 free minutes to anyone who emails me!

Be Well!

Jena