Accepting Responsibility -- The First Step to Change
This is not exactly a fun subject for me, but I feel this blog should be written because it can help give insight to many people with relationship difficulties. The sad thing is that most people who are guilty of the behaviors I'm going to describe here will think that it's not intended for them. It has to do with individuals who are having relationship issues and either don't realize, or don't want to realize that they see the real problem every time they look in the mirror. No, I'm not talking about not being attractive, I'm talking about the person, or more specifically, the personality.
The vast majority of my callers are normal, well-adjusted people who simply have questions, or an issue, or problems. They're looking for insight, and how to use this insight to change the situation and bring about positive results. Many callers tend to blame themselves for their negative circumstances, when in fact they may be victims of circumstances, or the actions of others, or just the luck of the draw. And they're already on the path to positive change by admitting they could be at fault, taking responsibility for their actions. Generally they're a delight to work with because I know I can help them bring about that change and take control of their lives. But occasionally, every advisor gets callers who absolutely refuse to see, or to accept, that they are responsible for the problem and the authors of their own unhappy circumstances.
The other night I had such a caller. Now, it's against my personal policy to divulge anything I am told in a consultation -- to me the relationship between an advisor and a client is as confidential as a priest hearing a confession. So some of it will be vague, and I can only reveal what anyone reading this blog would already know. Yes, it was a call about a relationship issue.
The instant I started to tell her what the gentleman in question was feeling, she interrupted me, literally screaming over the phone, "No! No! No! You're way off!" When I insisted that that was what the man was feeling, she told me she'd contacted two other psychics and they all told her that and we were all wrong. Why? Because if he felt like this, then he would do that. As if she were quantifying human behavior by some sort of logic equation. When I tried to explain that human behavior is not according to formula, and rarely makes sense, she again screamed, and I do mean screamed, "I've called three psychics now and you're all on his side!" "Well, excuse me, but you've told me twice now I'm the third psychic you've called tonight, and we all told you the same thing. What does that tell you?" Click! "This call lasted three minutes..."
After she hung up, my first reaction was, "Can you imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with, or married to, someone like this?" And the truth is that, as harsh as it sounds, there are a lot of people out there who don't seem to grasp that they have had relationship failure and can't have a good relationship because, very simply, they're unpleasant.
In fact, there is one area of human behavior that can be quantified logically with a syllogism:
MAJOR PREMISE: People who don't treat people very well get dumped.
MINOR PREMISE: You don't treat people very well.
CONCLUSION: You got dumped.
Unfortunately, these individuals are the ones most in need of help, but least likely to be helped because they refuse to accept responsibility. If they're going to scream and rage at an anonymous stranger they are paying for advice, imagine what it would be like to live with and interact with them on a daily basis, let alone try to build a future with them.
As far as I know, there is no MPA (Mean People's Anonymous), and no 12-step program for unpleasantness. I wish there were a phone number I could give people that they could pick up, dial and say, "My name is Such and Such and I'm an a*****e." But the only way individuals like this can have a chance at being happy with another person is to stop blaming others for their circumstances and realize that their anger is leading them down a self-destructive path. Anger is a poison. And unless an individual is willing to change, it can lead to a life of isolation and loneliness. You can change. But you have to want to change. And the only way to do that is to look at how you treat others, and ask yourself if you would want to be treated that way.
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