How do you deal with someone who will not forgive you?
Holiday time brings family together and sometimes added is some of the family hostility. I have read a lot of forgiveness blogs. Each has had something to offer and I love the feelings of healing each writer gives. I honestly believe forgiving is one of the most difficult issues we have to learn. Perhaps it’s an ordained reason each of us is here. I have spoken before that the hardest person I have had to forgive is myself. And there is no easy road for that!!!
Like everyone of you, I have had to forgive an alcoholic parent, an extremely critical parent, friends who have lied, boyfriends who have stolen money, grandparents who never forgot that time you broke their favorite vase, an uncle who starts fights every holiday and has the family trying to hold him back because he felt he was slighted back in 1952 and on and on. There is no end to the list of major and minor hurts we all have had to endure. And I am proud to say I have really worked hard on this and have learned not only to forgive but also to love those people who were in pain enough to do me or those I love injury. I have had to change ways I deal with different people but that isn't has important as forgiving.
I read recently a blog on someone saying I forgive you but I won't forget. My apologies as I forgot the author but she mentioned if you have to say something like that is it really forgiveness. I have to agree not really, since you are insinuating you are holding that hurt. Forgiving doesn’t mean you will not be smart enough to be on guard to dealings with than person again either, however.
But what about those who will NOT forgive you? That’s what I want to ask. I have a sister who will not forgive me. She will not forgive a lot of people to be honest. Not only that but she holds all of those people almost in a grudge like existence where she places them all in the past and doesn’t acknowledge that person may have changed...doesn’t acknowledge there is a new person in front of her, rather then the person that was ten, twenty years ago. Because of this she treats those people as if they have never changed nor evolved. What about this kind of relationship? It’s a dishonor to that person as well to her. She has basically hurt herself profusely by causing that relationship unable to continue from where it was years ago.
I've thought how can I possibly help her. I've mentioned things like you know dad, when he was an alcoholic, was a tortured soul. He hurt. Can you imagine how much he hurt to be in so much pain that he couldn't even live a productive life of being able to show love for himself or others? Sometimes it will give her pause. And I rack my brain thinking what else can I possibly say that will not offend her but offer her a path of possible hope. I want her to get past it. To see what he really had to offer and how he did help shape our lives. Even better yet how really great the fun times were.and there were a ton of fun times because he was hilarious.
After working on this for several years I've come to realize it is not my job to change her or teach her to forgive. I can offer an occasional idea, that might be a seed of info, but in reality it is her place to learn that. It is her life experience of growth that I cannot make happen and not only that I am required NOT to interfere in her experience of that lesson. By doing so I take that away form her. That is the lesson here for me. I can love her and hold her in that love but I cannot expect her to do the same for me. And I am at a point I can accept that and love it for what I get from it. Even if she stills sees me at 12 lol. But hey I was pretty cute then at least.
If you find yourself in a similar experience perhaps you have some suggestions to help others. Please feel free to express that here so we can learn from each other.
Have a groovy day!
Kelley