Maybe You Aren't Beautiful
Lately women are being told to declare themselves beautiful. Dove products, for example, sponsor a program in which girls stand on a stage and declare themselves beautiful.
On makeover shows, women are told to look into mirrors and say, "I am beautiful."
These things always remind me of something that happened to me long ago. My boss, a much older, mannerly, kind man - took me into his office and said, "Eh, Rose...you don't seem to understand how unattractive you are."
In an honest, knee-jerk reaction, I said, "No. I don't."
I had long before embraced what was attractive about my body, and relaxed about what wasn't. On the plus side were height, great hair, nice legs, and long hands. On the minus side, my figure was boyish, and my nose was, shall we say, generous. My eyes were so close together that when I first saw a photo of my adult self, I asked my mother, "Am I cross-eyed?"
So I played the hand I was dealt. I took on a sporty Katharine Hepburnish style, in tailored slacks, vests and loafers. I decided that my "look" would be one of immaculate care. My clothes were pressed perfectly, my shoes shined, my nails polished. I wore a clean, soapy-smelling cologne. And as for my many imperfections - so what? I was grateful for the blessings I had been given, and was proud of them. I knew I wasn't beautiful, but parts of me were pretty, and that was good enough for me.
No one could destroy me by saying I wasn't beautiful, or butter me up by telling me I was.
My boss never revealed what he had in mind by making that comment. I never flirted with the ancient old men in the office, and I knew my work was up to snuff. In retrospect, I think he was uncomfortable being around an average-looking woman who didn't apologize for her appearance, or make self-deprecating jokes about it.
I think of that incident when I see these girls and women being told to declare themselves beautiful. They know they aren't, just as I know I'm not. They know they're being asked to participate in a cute little self-esteem-building exercise. They might as well be reciting, "I am a multi-millionaire!"
I think asking a woman to declare herself beautiful denies her the intimate joy of finding those things about herself that really are smashing, and believing that they're beautiful, and taking genuine pride in them.
Being told to announce "I'm beautiful!" I think, distances a woman from her body. I think it is more fun to get specific about one's physical attributes - to own them, and love them.
How many of us are or know a woman who mourns her excess weight, while ignoring her velvety-perfect skin, and toothpaste-ad teeth? Or how about the men who bring every conversation around to their hair loss? I knew a man with the sexiest olive skin I had ever seen, who talked of nothing but his hair loss.
Some people want physical attributes of yours that you don't even know you have! Broad shoulders, for example, and long necks. I saw an old acquaintance after a long time apart, and she sneered, "You still have those narrow feet, you bitch!" Feet?!
Now, some folks who feel bad about themselves tonight might be thinking, "But there is nothing beautiful about me."
Well, look at others. Really look. And look at things besides weight and breasts. You will see beautiful legs; arms and hands without a single mark on them; hair that has been carefully cared for, and the glow that comes from getting sleep and eating breakfast. High waists can be beautiful on some people, and long torsos look perfect on others. There are laughs that sound like music, artfully applied make-up, and women who stand and walk like queens. There are healthy, prideful people all around us, and their attitudes have nothing to do with being perfectly perfect in every way.
And there is buried beauty, too. I went to school with a crazy-haired, wild hillbilly whom our classmates ridiculed. My super-sophisticated pal said of her, "Are they kidding? Look at that bone structure! She's gorgeous!" And when I took a second look, I realized that indeed, she was.
I encourage you to step away from the the idea that every single part of you has to be beautiful, and that you must immodestly declare yourself beautiful.
Instead, look in the mirror in the friendliest possible way, and give yourself a few points. Find the beautiful things, and believe your eyes. Embrace these attributes. Own them. Be proud of them. Show them off.
Then believe that you're beautiful.