"I Never Push Him"
Very often my Keen clients will say this of a boyfriend who won't commit: "I never push him. I never ask him for anything."
Why not? Why the heck not? Because the man has made it clear that if the woman pushes for a closer relationship, or even (eek!) a commitment, he'll split?
Here is a conclusion I've reached from my many years of reading cards: A lot of relationships push forward only when the woman gets sick and tired of "not pushing." The pretense that she doesn't want anything eventually turns into the belief that she doesn't deserve anything. Why does she believe this? Well, she reasons, if her wants and needs weren't so objectionable and offensive, she wouldn't have to disguise them from her man.
It gets pretty messy in the head department.
How about this: Have you ever had this maddening experience? Have you ever lost a boyfriend to a woman whose romantic appeal was totally lost on you? Did he commit to her quickly, after you waited patiently for years without "pushing"? Could she have been described as "demanding"?
Maybe all she demanded was a commitment.
Granted, some of those ladies aren't very nice. (In fact, some of them are downright - well, let's save that for another blog post.) But some of them are just healthy women, who haven't been embarrassed into pretending they have no wants or needs.
Just so you'll know I'm not lecturing from a soapbox, here is a little story.
I have always been envious of people who have cute engagement stories - you know, rings, bended knees, proposals. I'm envious because after dating my husband for years without a glimmer of commitment, here is what happened to me.
One day I realized that "not pushing" had taken a shocking psychological toll on me. I had overestimated my ability to pretend that I didn't want or need love, or a commitment, and a partner. I thought I was a better actress than I turned out to be.
Finally, everything came together to make me depressed and incredibly tired. One afternoon, alone in a restaurant, I simply put my head down on the table. I had never been so tired in my life. You've heard of three-act plays? I was co-starring in a three-year play.
What, I asked the paper napkin dispenser, was so damn wrong about pushing? And why was my simple human desire for love even called "pushing"? What was so bad about wanting a man of my own? Did I not deserve a partner? Was I not on The List of Special People Worthy of Love? So what if he was scared of commitment - did he think I was 100% certain? I just wanted to take a chance on love, and do my best to make a marriage great. Who was this joker who thought he could monopolize and waste my beautiful young life?
I peeled my face off the Formica, and went home. The next day, I marched up to the man and shouted, "If you think I'm going to live the rest of my life like this, you're f%#*ing nuts!"
That's my engagement story. Sweet, huh? Here, have a Kleenex.
So here is the surprise ending. Over the years, I've asked lots of married women for their proposal stories. Guess what. They're usually a lot like mine - only without the swearing.
Like I said at the beginning - some relationships don't push ahead until the woman pushes. (But I'd recommend using a bit more diplomacy than I used.)