And The Winner Is . . .
We all want to win, every one of us. And nothing tastes sweeter than victory after a long-fought battle.
But sometimes I find, somewhere along the way, we took our eye off the ball and let it become all about the fight and winning rather than the prize.
Let me give you an example. Say you met a dude (you knew this was where I was heading, didn't you????). In fact, this dude is so charming and romantic and everything about him is simply perfect -- well, except for the fact that he's been quite honest with you, he doesn't want to commit. He's Slippery Dude!
Or take the example of Married Dude. Married Dude loves you, wants to be with you, thinks you're an angel dropped straight from heaven into his lap. But, he's Married Dude.
Oh, how you want Married Dude or Slippery Dude. Your life would be perfect, if only, sigh, you two could be together. You would do ANYTHING -- and I mean ANYTHING -- if only you could have this man.
Love is not enough (it never is), nor are the good times you spend with this man. You must WIN!
Your life revolves around this goal. Yes, you get discouraged. Yes, you lose hope. Yes, you cry, you hurt, but you can't give up. After all, your goal could be right around the corner, the summit might be right around this next bend on the mountain trail. You can't stop now!
Now along the way, spending time with Dude, you might have noticed a few warning signs. Maybe Dude drinks too much; maybe Dude is lying to you; maybe Dude hurts you consistently and doesn't care; in the case of Married Dude, maybe he is far more concerned about keeping his wife happy than hurting you; maybe Dude has cheated on you; maybe he puts his friends first; or perhaps Dude belches, farts, scratches, eats with his mouth open or chews tobacco and spits - all over your new couch. Pick one, doesn't matter. You get the idea. Things that under normal circumstances would be a deal-breaker for you.
Except in this case, you don't care. After all, once he's with you, you'll get him to stop drinking. If he's cheating, he won't because you'll be his permanent sexual fantasy. Is he a wuss when it comes to his wife? Oh, you'll put a stop to that once you're in control. In fact, all this will disappear once you have him.
None of it matters - all that matters is that he's yours and you WIN!
So let's say you win. Yep, you've finally won this fabulous prize among prizes!!!!! Congratulations. You've won your heart's desire and now you will be off to live the life you've always dreamed of.
Your life is perfect! You two will spend every night in bed sipping champagne and have mind-blowing sex until you can't even function. Except . . .
Every time he takes a sip of champagne, he belches - in your face. When he tells you he's going to the bathroom, he slips out the back door to go hang with his buds. When he tells you he has to work late, he comes home smelling of perfume. Oh, and the ex? She hasn't taken defeat lightly and he's even a bigger wuss around her than when he was with her.
It's like you've been competing in Dude Olympics and after years of training, not only didn't you get the gold, you got the tarnished tin.
What the hell happened? Absolutely nothing. He's the same person he was before, but somehow, it's exceedingly disappointing.
The problem here is, you took your eye off the ball. Your quest became more about winning than the prize.
You fought long and hard for a man who would never have gotten a second date with you if he had been offering himself up on a silver platter.
You accepted less than you ordinarily would have just because Slippery Dude looked so much more attractive because he was a challenge.
Everything you've been imagining with this Dude, all the daydreams about what he is and what you two can have, well, let's take a big dose of reality. You've been looking at a life with him filled with lollipops and sunshine, and a huge rock on your finger the size of Rhode Island. But in reality, things aren't going to change just because he's with you or just because you want them to. All those irritating little things will now be yours -- fulltime yet! He's not James Bond. He's just a regular guy.
Do you honestly think a serious disease like alcoholism is going to simply disappear because you want it to? Do you think he'll stop being totally self-centered when you snap your fingers? Do you really think he's going to stop lying just because? These are all the things that make him who he is.
And poor Slippery Dude. You've led him to believe that you love him, just as he is. All those irritating little habits? Oh, you've giggled when he farted, pretended belching in your face was cute, forgiven him anything, lying, cheating, stealing, hurting you. You've led him to believe you're the perfect woman who will accept him exactly as he is.
Now? Not so much on that, Dude. You have to change immediately! We're starting out on our perfect life, and by the way, I mean MY perfect life, not yours.
Why not keep your eyes open in the first place? If a guy says they can't commit, or tells you in the beginning that he's a douchebag in any way, shape or form, believe him. He knows himself better than anyone, and he's warning you.
So what's the answer?
There are plenty of Decent Dudes out there. A deal-breaker is a deal-breaker, period. Keep your eye on the ball, and make sure the prize you're fighting for is something worth having, maybe test the gold along the way, take a big bite to make sure it's solid, and not just gold-plated.
Be realistic about yourself and in your expectations of others. Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it. Nobody's perfect and the world we're living in is not perfect.
Ahh, well, the only perfect world I dream of anymore is one where chickens are free to cross the road without anyone questioning their motives.