My Funny Valentine
It's kinda funny to imagine, but Valentine's Day is one of my busiest days of the year.
Do you want to spend your day munching on conversation hearts, crying at the "Call me" and "True love" sayings since it appears that the only thing that has fallen in love with you this February 14th is your expanding badonkadonk, or do you want to have your R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E expectations met?
Women, in general, love love love Valentine's Day and everything that goes with it. I mean, come on, what's not to love? Your special dude lovingly showering you, his one true love, with flowers, chocolates, and best of all, the EMOTION, the SENTIMENT that you know is hiding deep down inside of him, just waiting for this day to burst forth like Mt. Vesuvius erupting.
I mean, how many cards have you seen declaring, "I kinda sorta like you, but don't read anything into that"? They actually SAY things, things that many close-lipped dudes seem to choke on. Oh, the joy, the rapture. A day like no other!
So why is that day and the few days following so busy with calls from disenchanted partners?
It seems that as much as we love Valentine's Day, for Mr. Dude, it's just a big confusing day that they would much rather sleep through.
They wonder what to do, what to get. It's like walking through a minefield! If they get you something, will it be wrong? Will they disappoint you? If they bring you flowers, are you going to start planning the wedding? If they bring you chocolates, are you going to scream at them because it's the wrong kind, the wrong flavor, or you're on a diet?
Oh, and the cards! He spends all year trying to be a dudely dude, and then has to actually delve into those frilly pink hearty things. It brings back repressed memories of childhood, when the little girl behind him in the first grade beat him up on his way home because he tore the dum-dum sucker off her card, turned it into a spitball, and then proceeded to deliver her Valentine back to her in a rather wet and sticky fashion. It's enough to make your poor little dude among dudes break out in hives.
It's just all so confusing, so what does your Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy Dudling do? He avoids the whole issue, including you, until the coast is clear well after Valentine's Day and you're left crying into your candy.
Sound familiar? Yes, you're not the only one this has happened to. You have company in the legions. Who DID you think was buying up all that Valentine candy? It's not the dudes, baby. Each year I have a desire to change the lyrics to "He Ain't Heavy," to "She IS Heavy, She's My Sister."
So how DO we avoid reenacting the scene?
Here's my 10-step Valentine program:
1. Realize that he's a, well, dude. He was born without the Valentine gene. Unless you've been together a while or he's exceptional (and then you should be sending a Valentine to his mother), he doesn't just "know" what to get you.
2. Figure out what you reasonably (did I mention you should be reasonable?) expect. One of the most important aspects is to have reasonable expectations. If your guy is allergic to emotion, you can't expect him to suddenly become anyone other than himself, so pick something within or not too far outside of his comfort zone. Instead of a room filled with blooms, would you be touched by a single red rose? Is a simple card what turns you on? Would you be happy with any effort whatsoever?
3. Tell him. Yep, simple as that. If you're the type that refuses to tell him anything and he just BETTER produce or else, most of the time this method will get you nothing but nominated for martyrdom.
4. Forget the simple part above. You have to be natural, genuine, and a bit crafty.
5. Don't be obnoxious. Don't set out pictures of the FTD bouquet you want him to bestow upon you. That's no fun. Instead, mention you like daisies, or how elegant you find yellow roses, how much you like milk chocolate. Or, if you're like me, a card with a small personal note means more than anything money can buy.
6. Start now so you can naturally work it into conversation over the next couple weeks. Oh, and it would be best if you did this at a moment when he's actually listening.
7. Casually mention Valentine's Day. No threatening looks, no clenched fists, just mention that it's coming up or how much fun it is.
8. Sit back and wait.
9. Watch the light bulb go off as he says to himself, "Self, Valentine's Day is coming up. She loves yellow roses. It would really make her happy if I got her some."
10. Give away those extra boxes of chocolates you bought for yourself to drown your sorrows.
Let's face it, if he cares about you, he does want to make you happy. If you're asking for something REASONABLE, that is within his comfort zone, he will try to please you. Giving him a hint will help both of you.
If you still get a Valentine bouquet filled with nada, well, there may be a few extra problems, and I will be, as always, on call from 8:30-2:30 PST, and available for callbacks after 5:00 p.m.
Happy Valentine's Day!