NO TRESPASSING!
Say your dog keeps running outside of the boundaries of your yard. You know you'd drag his oh-so-sorry butt back to the yard and reprimand him. If your child tried to run out the door and into the neighbor's yard, or worse yet, the street, you'd be hot on their trail and a lesson in respecting boundaries would soon follow.
But do you respect boundaries? Of course you're nodding your head yes. But do you really?
What if Mr. Dude decides he wants a little breathing room, however briefly. How do you react? Will you respect his boundaries or are you all over him like a cheap suit, calling, writing and stalking? Do you sit outside his door like a cute little puppy dog wagging its tail and begging him to come back out and play again?
I had one caller that used to call me while hiding in the bushes outside the guy's home. There was another that had broken into the guy's computer and had all his passwords and would go into his accounts and knew every move he was making. I even heard of a caller that was sitting outside a hotel room she saw her guy enter with another woman and she called to find out what they were doing in there.
How attractive do you think this makes us look to a guy that is requesting room to breathe and what do you think his reaction will be?
Obviously, his reaction will be to back up further and/or run for the hills. So that makes you even more intent on chasing him down.
You try to be good, but you can't resist. You come up with this absolutely fabulous idea! You'll write him this ten page letter (front and back, single spaced) explaining everything you're feeling, so he'll really understand. You can't believe you hadn't thought of this before! It is truly a stroke of genuis. Until, of course, you drop it in the mailbox, and realize what it really was was temporary insanity and now the guy is not only going to want space, but is going to be afraid of you.
My absolute fav is the goodbye letter. He hasn't come back yet after all that, so now you want closure. You decide to write a goodbye letter. Somehow in your mind you decide after writing this letter, you will feel so much better. You will have your say, you will tell him exactly how you are feeling, gotten it all off your chest, baby, and after it's done and winging its way to him, a weight will be lifted, you will regain the spring in your step and move on past this dude who didn't realize what he had.
There's only one problem with that theory. It's really not about closure, it's about trying to get a reaction from him. It's not really a goodbye letter, it's a warning saying, "I didn't mean it the first ten times, but this time, I REALLY mean it. You won't hear from me again and you should be worried!" Dare I say he might feel a little relieved after receiving the goodbye letter?
Besides, I'll tell you a little secret about closure. Another person cannot bestow closure upon you. Closure means peace, coming to terms with a situation, whether it makes sense or not, and whether you have all the answers and explanations or not. It's letting go and moving forward. Only you can do this for yourself.
Boundaries are all about respect. Respect for the other person and respect for yourself. If a guy wants some space, give it to him. It's like the old saying, he can't miss you if you don't go away. By retreating to your respective corners for a time, it gives both parties an opportunity to clear their heads and look at the situation with a clear head.
I know you miss him, and I know you're scared, and I know it hurts. We've all been there. If you feel like your head is going to fall off if you don't do something, call a girlfriend, call me, do something else. If you have to write him a letter, address it to me instead or to your draft folder. Just don't call him and verbally vomit everything you've been feeling all over him. It will do more harm than good.
If he's going to come back, leaving him alone will make him realize what he's missing, a fabulous woman who knows her worth and has self-respect. If he's not, well, who wanted him anyway. Obviously if he didn't see what was before him, his mother must have dropped him on his head.
Paper and ink for goodbye letters - $50
Gas from stalking him - $500
Self-respect - Priceless