Okay, so we've all heard both factual and urban legends about people that just mysteriously spontaneously combust, haven't we? I tend to be a worrier, but I'd tend to worry more about a piano falling on my head than spontaneously combusting. It's extremely rare, but it can happen.
I had a completely different subject in mind for today's blog, but I suddenly had a spate of calls involving relationships where the person wanted more -- but they wanted it to just spontaneously combust, or heat up, with no fuss, no muss, no work, no words, just change. Sure, it happens, but it's extremely rare.
I mean, honestly, how many dudes spent their Sunday afternoon peering into their crystal balls in the hopes of finding out what your true wants and needs were? I have never seen mechanics in the NASCAR pit changing the driver's crystal ball. And the little ball that they're hitting through the grass is not made of crystal.
And the other question is, why should Dude O' Your Heart be trying to fix a relationship that to his knowledge isn't broken? He's satisfied, and you're not complaining. I think that's even rarer than spontaneous combustion.
The only relationship I've even seen dudes so diligently and spontaneously trying to fix is the one between themselves and their remote control, changing the batteries in record speed before the last quarter of the game starts.
Are you doing the friends with benefits thing? Let me ask you, is he even being a friend to you, and who is the one benefitting from this?
Now I don't have a problem with people doing the friends with benefits thing, as long as they're happy and satisfied with it. But one of the problems with the dudettes of the species is once we enter into sexual relationships, emotions quickly follow. I don't care how many women tell me they're just in it for the sex. As a conservative estimate, 99 percent of them are lying.
On the other hand, a large preponderance of the holders-of-the-remote members of the species (although in their defense, far less than 99 percent) think sex without all the responsibility of relationship or emotion is grand. And if you're willing to give it, he'll gladly accept it.
If someone came up to you and said, "Hey, do you want a free Starbucks latte," most of us would say, "Sure! Why not?" While it's a disturbing thought, it is an apt analogy.
Does he know you want more or are you just obliging him to show him how wonderful you are? Are you afraid to ask for more for fear of losing him?
Please note: You don't have him now, so really, what are you going to lose?
My advice is first, figure out what you want. No, not just with Mr. Unaware Dude, but in your life. Do you want marriage, a live-in, just someone to be share time with? Of course we already know you want it to be him, but just for argument's sake, for right now, generally, what do you want?
The second question is, if you can't have it with him, are you willing to accept this forevermore? Would you be willing to share your dream life with someone different (and I realize it's unfathomable now, but Different Dude isn't Worse Dude, he's just Different Dude -- most probably Much Better Dude since he's willing to give you what you want).
Now we've established what you want and recognize you're not getting it from him, what's the next step? The next step is a doozy. You have to wake up from the dream that he is going to just spontaneously combust.
First of all, give him a chance. Let's turn Unaware Dude into Aware and Able to Make Decisions Dude. Open your mouth and talk to him. You know what you want in life, and here you have a guy you'd love to attain that goal with, but in order to get from Point A to Point C, you have to go through Point B. B is still the second letter of the alphabet, it hasn't spontaneously combusted either, and you can't skip it.
You have to take a risk. Yep, in order to attain any kind of success, you must first set yourself on fire. Open your mouth and tell him what you want, such as, "I like you and enjoy spending time together. Coffee, a movie, or a conversation that goes past "Oooooh, baby" would be nice. I'm having difficulty just exclusively having sex with you."
And of course you have to realize that he may resist. He probably likes things the way they are, or he wouldn't be doing it. He may be terribly shocked that you don't.
The problem is, he may not want what you're suggesting. He may choose to walk away for a while, he may choose to walk away forever. It is a risk, and one you must be willing to take if you want to gain anything, like, say, self respect, at the very least.
But as the saying goes, "He who spontaneously combusts is a real hottie." No, that wasn't it. It goes like this:
The biggest risk in life is not taking one.